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- █▀▀▀▀▀▀ naomi's ▀▀▀▀▀▀█
- ▒ ▒
- ░ <a href="termpoetry.html">whiny diary</a> ░
-
- ■ 。゜゜(´O`) ゜゜。■
- ▄ ▄
- ▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄
-
- welcome, hyperlink travellerz...
- you may stay in here for as long as you like, for
- there is a great submarine cable wiring us all
- together tonight
- <a href="#16-1-22">16-1-22</a> <a href="#26-10-21">26-10-21</a> <a href="#14-10-21">14-10-21</a> <a href="#13-10-21">13-10-21</a>
- <a href="#16-9-21">16-9-21</a> <a href="#11-9-21">11-9-21</a> <a href="#10-9-21">10-9-21</a> <a href="#8-9-21">8-9-21</a>
- <a href="#7-9-21">7-9-21</a> <a href="#6-9-21">6-9-21</a> <a href="#5-9-21">5-9-21</a>
- <a id="16-1-22"></a>
- 16-1-22 at 4:42am
-
- Second attempt at writing, currently inebriated
- with estrogen and tap water.
-
- This is one way of reminding you I still live,
- you don't know how nice it is to have someone to
- talk to.
- The intriguing part about talking to you is that
- I can't tell who you are, maybe you are one of
- my best friends or maybe you are a permanent
- stain in my brain I can't get rid of, maybe you
- don't know me at all, I don't know. I don't want
- you to take the things I say here personally,
- they are just my thoughts and I don't mean them
- to hurt anyone.
-
- This is the first entry after starting my
- hormonal transition, for the longest part I
- never thought I would make it to this point, it
- always remained a dream and nothing more than
- one, the struggle continues however, now in ways
- I didn't exactly expect. I want to tell you about
- everything I've noticed so far, it gets pretty
- dense from here, try not to stare directly into
- my words.
-
- At almost a month in, I want out.
-
- What was I expecting from a second puberty when
- the first one was so traumatic, living in this
- nightmare for so many years left my body scarred
- beyond repair. The very first week I didn't
- notice much, apart from nausea and the permanent
- need to pee every 30 minutes due to puberty
- blockers, I too became more emotional, but it
- wasn't until the second or third week that
- everything started going wrong. Most people
- close to me are aware of my issues with mental
- health, self harm and suicide, so I thought
- maybe transition would help me out, maybe
- improve my mental health a bit, I was even
- starting to go to therapy, then, all thoughts
- seemed to increment in size, taking a bigger
- space in my head, awful thoughts, suicide was
- the most recurrent.
-
- Does that make you as scared as it makes me?, I
- think I'm in danger and I blame these pills, but
- what other options do I have?, just living
- forever in the crushing misery of growing apart
- from my own body, breathing to witness my own
- decay; it's not preferable to what I have now.
-
- I'm getting overwhelmed but it was nice talking
- to you, I will try to post more often.
-
- song of the day:
-
- Mörder (Part 2) by M.B.
- <a id="26-10-21"></a>
- 26-10-21 at 12:44am
-
- I have a disease deeply rooted in the brain,
- still not quite sure what it may be yet I would
- give it all to ease this affliction.
-
- Tonight I'm surrounded by them, bugs that fly
- around or crawl towards me as the light that
- burns their bodies, moths living in my hair,
- the buzzing sound of flies and spiders who can't
- seem to catch a prey, all starving in this empty
- room whose sole ruler is me.
- I wish they knew I fully comprehend them and
- their pain, I too live inside of a room I can't
- escape.
-
- This room has seen me lose it many times, seen
- me beaten up, crying, bleeding, it's seen me do
- things that I'm too ashamed to admit to.
-
- Maybe it's her influence over this space that
- makes my internal monologue feel like a weird
- dialogue, I may be going mad but their advice
- is more valuable than anything I could and
- will tell myself.
-
- I wish to talk more about the things I've done
- but I can't handle them in my current state.
-
- could you tell me what I have? would knowing
- help at all?
-
- song of the day:
-
- "Corazón de Escarcha" by Chamal
- <a id="14-10-21"></a>
- 14-10-21 at 3:13am
-
- the best of ideas come to mind when im weeping,
- you could see what I'm thinking of by
- looking at the way my veins are arranged
- tonight.
-
- Yesterday I heard silence, a break from the
- monotonous static burnt into my ears, something
- was letting me rest. I made it through the day
- sleeping, dreaming about mourning for someone's
- mother, perhaps I could mourn for my own.
- Although pretty much alive, pretending that
- she's dead brings a comforting feeling of
- sadness to my chest.
-
- Mom holds me as a mother would, I stare numbly
- when she carves poetry into my skin.
-
- Mom will take out my insides, but I won't
- complain, for her beauty soothes my pain.
-
- Mom helps me wake up.
-
- it's a recurring nightmare.
-
- song of the day:
-
- "Mãe (mãe solteira)" by Tom Zé
- <a id="13-10-21"></a>
- 13-10-21 at 4:02am
-
- About the past few weeks and days to come.
-
- I gave life a shot, didn't quite understand what
- shooting meant in that context.
-
- My hopeless brain would get an upgrade, I was
- sure everything would change when I first
- sent <i>them</i> a message, regardless of all
- that sugar and spice that came with that feeling,
- I was still far from relieved, so held together
- by bare wires, I awaited for instructions.
-
- Fast forward to a few weeks later, I had done it,
- they had given me a few numbers and wished me
- luck, that was when the best of life had to come
- in, I found myself at home, I had allowed myself
- to dream.
-
- Dreams come true in tales, I don't believe anyone
- wants me in theirs, following them would probably
- disturb my routine, I like that as an excuse.
-
- It's all been a matter of mantaining comfort in
- life, yet many aspects inherent to it attempt
- against that purpose, uncertainty being the one
- brainworm that breaks me into tears the most.
-
- For the days to come, I may try a different,
- unorthodox approach to life, I'll tell you more
- about it once it takes over, for now, I think
- I'll rest. (_ _*) Z z z
-
- song for today and those days
-
- "Bernal" by Nunavut
- <a id="16-9-21"></a>
- 16-9-21 at 5:37pm
-
- It's been a few days and well...٩(ˊ〇ˋ*)و I'm not
- doing that bad anymore, life still sucks as one
- could expect, but my self destruction is becoming
- more of a repressed desire to hurt myself than an
- action. Anyways...
-
- It's about to be independence day here in Chile,
- well... we could argue that our independence has
- paved the way for new forms of oppression to
- arise, those that we, to this day, haven't
- managed to get rid of. Luckily for the people, we
- have just about enough culture to brag about how
- great our traditions are for one entire
- month ! ! !...
-
- You can tell I'm not a fan of this holiday, it
- glorifies this patriarchal society and celebrates
- cruelty towards animals, don't you think they
- have suffered enough already?
-
- It's interesting to go back in time in the
- history of our country, back when culture belonged
- to the people and they weren't being dictated how
- they should make art by gringos or europeans,
- owners of the international corporations that own
- Chile. Nowadays, the only aspect in our culture
- that belongs to us is nothing more than empty
- (but meaningful way back then) slogans invented
- by some poet in the 70s that people like to chant
- in unison while protesting.
-
- song of they day ! ヽ(o´∀`)ノ♪♬
-
- "Mazúrquica Modérnica" by Violeta Parra
- <a id="11-9-21"></a>
- 11-9-21
-
- ...Y es así como siempre debió de ser, hoy
- aprendo a creer en un destino inmutable, cual
- en mi limitada comprensión supe predecir hace ya
- años. Esa certidumbre no sale de la nada,
- sino que partió como una leve sospecha que con el
- tiempo se desenvolvió en una verdad casi
- absoluta.
-
- Siento una gran rabia contra todo lo que alguna
- vez me dañó y mas aún contra esa gente que mañana
- verá en sus bolsillos el gran patrimonio que les
- dejó mi seguro de vida.
-
- Aceptando hoy lo que depare el mañana, les
- agradezco por haberme acompañado <3
- song: "Es Como I" by Estela Magnone & Jaime Roos
- <a id="10-9-21"></a>
- 10-9-21 at 1:04am
-
- i had typed a long chunk of text, now I wnt to
- relapse, god
- <a id="8-9-21"></a>
- 8-9-21 at 3:01am
-
- Hey, it's me again. ( ´ ω ` )ノ゙
-
- Today, for once in a long while I could at least
- get out of bed in the morning. Tonight, I'm
- laying down. If it were for me, I'd stay below
- these blankets for all eternity... Now hidden to
- my eyes is my own naked corpse. I try not to look
- at it if possible. I remember showering with the
- lights off to try and deal with whatever I was
- feeling back then. It's of course, been all in
- vain, I'm feeling as disgusting as ever, whoever
- gets to see me now might just feel the same.
-
- I want to be perceived, I always lie about it. I
- wish to be seen and some times desired, I wish
- to change the smallest details that give
- everything away, I wish to succeed in life once
- I find out how to live. I'm so mad...
-
- I too want me to keep bleeding, as if these
- wounds had never healed. It's such an icy feeling
-
- I had prepared a bunch of border styles to
- represent my mood each day but so far I've just
- used the red one, I know some day you'll see
- green or maybe gold in here.
-
- song of the day /(・ × ・)\
-
- "Old Echo" by Nesey Gallons
- <a id="7-9-21"></a>
- 7-9-21 at 5:02am
-
- Hola a todes ! (*・ω・)ノ Naomi here. . .
-
- It's that time of night for me again, time to
- squeeze my brain dry for any drops of inspiration
- I may have left. Exhausted from everyday
- nothingness, I begin with my ramblings.
-
- Nothing happened today (yet again), it's another
- one of those nights on which I try to remember
- what caused me to ruin myself forever. I mean, if
- nothing ever happens, why did I once want to end
- it all?
-
- That feeling of impotence, the one you get when
- you don't know who to blame, it's making me
- believe I'm guilty on all charges against nobody
- but myself, this conflicts with another feeling,
- that one of powerlessness, how could I be found
- guilty If I'm not capable of getting ahold of my
- own life?
-
- May this be why tonight i'm yearning for power,
- just enough to take back control of my life.
-
- song of the day. <i>[edited (7-9-21 at 2:35pm)]</i>
- "Dulce 3 Nocturno" by Pescado Rabioso
- <a id="6-9-21"></a>
- 6-9-21 at 4:30am
-
- Hello again, it's I. (・∀・)ノ
-
- and what a surprise... I didn't do anything
- today, you should probably get accustomed to that
- if you are planning on reading whatever I end up
- writing here.
-
- It has been one of those days on which I feel as
- if I were sedated from the moment I stepped out
- of bed, I didn't need anything. I ate, hid and
- showered late at night, yet still feel dirty.
- (⇀‸↼‶)
-
- I don't think anyone minds my absence anymore, as
- if my empty stare had blended into the
- surroundings. Despite this, I am constantly
- feeling overwhelmed by emotions I don't
- understand.
-
- <i>[this part was cringy as fuck so i erased
- it. . .(6-9-21 at 3:15pm)]</i>
-
- Anyways, I miss those moments in my life, those
- that brought me closer with the human condition.
-
- tonight I feel like garbage (∪.∪)。。。zzZ
-
- song of the day !
-
- "Is She Fiona" by The Gerbils
- <a id="5-9-21"></a>
- 5-9-21 at 5:10am
-
- first entry !, how fun. ...φ(・∀・*)
- how about a little introduction for those who
- don't know me just yet? so, my name's Naomi and
- has been for a few years already. I live in
- Chile, I'm currently 18 years old and uhhh I'm
- also a trans girl-person-thing, kind of depends
- on how my little brain is wired to function each
- day...
- I'll try to be as honest as I can when typing, so
- if you wish to know me better please do knowing
- that I am an ill person not really trying my
- best.
-
- onto whatever happened today, it was an average
- day ┐('~`;)┌
-
- we went out with part of my family to the beach,
- it all looked the same as the last time we were
- there, we sat on a restaurant and some street
- performers started doing a play about a man who
- lived there at the port and had signed a deal
- with the devil.
-
- my phone died mid trip so I had a lot of time
- alone with my brain.
-
- for some reason, whenever a thought crosses my
- mind I just wanna knock myself out, stupidly
- enough, I don't feel worthy of thinking about
- the future or all things that could go well,
- some part of me thinks nothing will ever go well.
-
- to be honest, nothing else happened today ┐(˘、˘)┌
-
- right now there's a rat or some living thing up
- in the attic, can't remember for how long it's
- been there but it just won't let me sleep, I
- think it's having babies or just chewing on wood.
-
- anyways, song of the day !, how's that ( ^▽^)
-
- "Quiero estar entre tus cosas" by Daniel Melero
- tomorrow I'll come up with a better story, I'll
- tell you about it if manage to wake up.
- (\_(\
- (=’ :’)
- (,(”)(”)
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- by naomi, the saddest kid on the block 2021
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