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  17. █▀▀▀▀▀▀ naomi's ▀▀▀▀▀▀█
  18. ▒ ▒
  19. ░ <a href="termpoetry.html">whiny diary</a> ░
  20. ■ 。゜゜(´O`) ゜゜。■
  21. ▄ ▄
  22. ▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄
  23. welcome, hyperlink travellerz...
  24. you may stay in here for as long as you like, for
  25. there is a great submarine cable wiring us all
  26. together tonight
  27. <a href="#16-1-22">16-1-22</a> <a href="#26-10-21">26-10-21</a> <a href="#14-10-21">14-10-21</a> <a href="#13-10-21">13-10-21</a>
  28. <a href="#16-9-21">16-9-21</a> <a href="#11-9-21">11-9-21</a> <a href="#10-9-21">10-9-21</a> <a href="#8-9-21">8-9-21</a>
  29. <a href="#7-9-21">7-9-21</a> <a href="#6-9-21">6-9-21</a> <a href="#5-9-21">5-9-21</a>
  30. <a id="16-1-22"></a>
  31. 16-1-22 at 4:42am
  32. Second attempt at writing, currently inebriated
  33. with estrogen and tap water.
  34. This is one way of reminding you I still live,
  35. you don't know how nice it is to have someone to
  36. talk to.
  37. The intriguing part about talking to you is that
  38. I can't tell who you are, maybe you are one of
  39. my best friends or maybe you are a permanent
  40. stain in my brain I can't get rid of, maybe you
  41. don't know me at all, I don't know. I don't want
  42. you to take the things I say here personally,
  43. they are just my thoughts and I don't mean them
  44. to hurt anyone.
  45. This is the first entry after starting my
  46. hormonal transition, for the longest part I
  47. never thought I would make it to this point, it
  48. always remained a dream and nothing more than
  49. one, the struggle continues however, now in ways
  50. I didn't exactly expect. I want to tell you about
  51. everything I've noticed so far, it gets pretty
  52. dense from here, try not to stare directly into
  53. my words.
  54. At almost a month in, I want out.
  55. What was I expecting from a second puberty when
  56. the first one was so traumatic, living in this
  57. nightmare for so many years left my body scarred
  58. beyond repair. The very first week I didn't
  59. notice much, apart from nausea and the permanent
  60. need to pee every 30 minutes due to puberty
  61. blockers, I too became more emotional, but it
  62. wasn't until the second or third week that
  63. everything started going wrong. Most people
  64. close to me are aware of my issues with mental
  65. health, self harm and suicide, so I thought
  66. maybe transition would help me out, maybe
  67. improve my mental health a bit, I was even
  68. starting to go to therapy, then, all thoughts
  69. seemed to increment in size, taking a bigger
  70. space in my head, awful thoughts, suicide was
  71. the most recurrent.
  72. Does that make you as scared as it makes me?, I
  73. think I'm in danger and I blame these pills, but
  74. what other options do I have?, just living
  75. forever in the crushing misery of growing apart
  76. from my own body, breathing to witness my own
  77. decay; it's not preferable to what I have now.
  78. I'm getting overwhelmed but it was nice talking
  79. to you, I will try to post more often.
  80. song of the day:
  81. Mörder (Part 2) by M.B.
  82. <a id="26-10-21"></a>
  83. 26-10-21 at 12:44am
  84. I have a disease deeply rooted in the brain,
  85. still not quite sure what it may be yet I would
  86. give it all to ease this affliction.
  87. Tonight I'm surrounded by them, bugs that fly
  88. around or crawl towards me as the light that
  89. burns their bodies, moths living in my hair,
  90. the buzzing sound of flies and spiders who can't
  91. seem to catch a prey, all starving in this empty
  92. room whose sole ruler is me.
  93. I wish they knew I fully comprehend them and
  94. their pain, I too live inside of a room I can't
  95. escape.
  96. This room has seen me lose it many times, seen
  97. me beaten up, crying, bleeding, it's seen me do
  98. things that I'm too ashamed to admit to.
  99. Maybe it's her influence over this space that
  100. makes my internal monologue feel like a weird
  101. dialogue, I may be going mad but their advice
  102. is more valuable than anything I could and
  103. will tell myself.
  104. I wish to talk more about the things I've done
  105. but I can't handle them in my current state.
  106. could you tell me what I have? would knowing
  107. help at all?
  108. song of the day:
  109. "Corazón de Escarcha" by Chamal
  110. <a id="14-10-21"></a>
  111. 14-10-21 at 3:13am
  112. the best of ideas come to mind when im weeping,
  113. you could see what I'm thinking of by
  114. looking at the way my veins are arranged
  115. tonight.
  116. Yesterday I heard silence, a break from the
  117. monotonous static burnt into my ears, something
  118. was letting me rest. I made it through the day
  119. sleeping, dreaming about mourning for someone's
  120. mother, perhaps I could mourn for my own.
  121. Although pretty much alive, pretending that
  122. she's dead brings a comforting feeling of
  123. sadness to my chest.
  124. Mom holds me as a mother would, I stare numbly
  125. when she carves poetry into my skin.
  126. Mom will take out my insides, but I won't
  127. complain, for her beauty soothes my pain.
  128. Mom helps me wake up.
  129. it's a recurring nightmare.
  130. song of the day:
  131. "Mãe (mãe solteira)" by Tom Zé
  132. <a id="13-10-21"></a>
  133. 13-10-21 at 4:02am
  134. About the past few weeks and days to come.
  135. I gave life a shot, didn't quite understand what
  136. shooting meant in that context.
  137. My hopeless brain would get an upgrade, I was
  138. sure everything would change when I first
  139. sent <i>them</i> a message, regardless of all
  140. that sugar and spice that came with that feeling,
  141. I was still far from relieved, so held together
  142. by bare wires, I awaited for instructions.
  143. Fast forward to a few weeks later, I had done it,
  144. they had given me a few numbers and wished me
  145. luck, that was when the best of life had to come
  146. in, I found myself at home, I had allowed myself
  147. to dream.
  148. Dreams come true in tales, I don't believe anyone
  149. wants me in theirs, following them would probably
  150. disturb my routine, I like that as an excuse.
  151. It's all been a matter of mantaining comfort in
  152. life, yet many aspects inherent to it attempt
  153. against that purpose, uncertainty being the one
  154. brainworm that breaks me into tears the most.
  155. For the days to come, I may try a different,
  156. unorthodox approach to life, I'll tell you more
  157. about it once it takes over, for now, I think
  158. I'll rest. (_ _*) Z z z
  159. song for today and those days
  160. "Bernal" by Nunavut
  161. <a id="16-9-21"></a>
  162. 16-9-21 at 5:37pm
  163. It's been a few days and well...٩(ˊ〇ˋ*)و I'm not
  164. doing that bad anymore, life still sucks as one
  165. could expect, but my self destruction is becoming
  166. more of a repressed desire to hurt myself than an
  167. action. Anyways...
  168. It's about to be independence day here in Chile,
  169. well... we could argue that our independence has
  170. paved the way for new forms of oppression to
  171. arise, those that we, to this day, haven't
  172. managed to get rid of. Luckily for the people, we
  173. have just about enough culture to brag about how
  174. great our traditions are for one entire
  175. month ! ! !...
  176. You can tell I'm not a fan of this holiday, it
  177. glorifies this patriarchal society and celebrates
  178. cruelty towards animals, don't you think they
  179. have suffered enough already?
  180. It's interesting to go back in time in the
  181. history of our country, back when culture belonged
  182. to the people and they weren't being dictated how
  183. they should make art by gringos or europeans,
  184. owners of the international corporations that own
  185. Chile. Nowadays, the only aspect in our culture
  186. that belongs to us is nothing more than empty
  187. (but meaningful way back then) slogans invented
  188. by some poet in the 70s that people like to chant
  189. in unison while protesting.
  190. song of they day ! ヽ(o´∀`)ノ♪♬
  191. "Mazúrquica Modérnica" by Violeta Parra
  192. <a id="11-9-21"></a>
  193. 11-9-21
  194. ...Y es así como siempre debió de ser, hoy
  195. aprendo a creer en un destino inmutable, cual
  196. en mi limitada comprensión supe predecir hace ya
  197. años. Esa certidumbre no sale de la nada,
  198. sino que partió como una leve sospecha que con el
  199. tiempo se desenvolvió en una verdad casi
  200. absoluta.
  201. Siento una gran rabia contra todo lo que alguna
  202. vez me dañó y mas aún contra esa gente que mañana
  203. verá en sus bolsillos el gran patrimonio que les
  204. dejó mi seguro de vida.
  205. Aceptando hoy lo que depare el mañana, les
  206. agradezco por haberme acompañado &#60;3
  207. song: "Es Como I" by Estela Magnone & Jaime Roos
  208. <a id="10-9-21"></a>
  209. 10-9-21 at 1:04am
  210. i had typed a long chunk of text, now I wnt to
  211. relapse, god
  212. <a id="8-9-21"></a>
  213. 8-9-21 at 3:01am
  214. Hey, it's me again. ( ´ ω ` )ノ゙
  215. Today, for once in a long while I could at least
  216. get out of bed in the morning. Tonight, I'm
  217. laying down. If it were for me, I'd stay below
  218. these blankets for all eternity... Now hidden to
  219. my eyes is my own naked corpse. I try not to look
  220. at it if possible. I remember showering with the
  221. lights off to try and deal with whatever I was
  222. feeling back then. It's of course, been all in
  223. vain, I'm feeling as disgusting as ever, whoever
  224. gets to see me now might just feel the same.
  225. I want to be perceived, I always lie about it. I
  226. wish to be seen and some times desired, I wish
  227. to change the smallest details that give
  228. everything away, I wish to succeed in life once
  229. I find out how to live. I'm so mad...
  230. I too want me to keep bleeding, as if these
  231. wounds had never healed. It's such an icy feeling
  232. I had prepared a bunch of border styles to
  233. represent my mood each day but so far I've just
  234. used the red one, I know some day you'll see
  235. green or maybe gold in here.
  236. song of the day /(・ × ・)\
  237. "Old Echo" by Nesey Gallons
  238. <a id="7-9-21"></a>
  239. 7-9-21 at 5:02am
  240. Hola a todes ! (*・ω・)ノ Naomi here. . .
  241. It's that time of night for me again, time to
  242. squeeze my brain dry for any drops of inspiration
  243. I may have left. Exhausted from everyday
  244. nothingness, I begin with my ramblings.
  245. Nothing happened today (yet again), it's another
  246. one of those nights on which I try to remember
  247. what caused me to ruin myself forever. I mean, if
  248. nothing ever happens, why did I once want to end
  249. it all?
  250. That feeling of impotence, the one you get when
  251. you don't know who to blame, it's making me
  252. believe I'm guilty on all charges against nobody
  253. but myself, this conflicts with another feeling,
  254. that one of powerlessness, how could I be found
  255. guilty If I'm not capable of getting ahold of my
  256. own life?
  257. May this be why tonight i'm yearning for power,
  258. just enough to take back control of my life.
  259. song of the day. <i>[edited (7-9-21 at 2:35pm)]</i>
  260. "Dulce 3 Nocturno" by Pescado Rabioso
  261. <a id="6-9-21"></a>
  262. 6-9-21 at 4:30am
  263. Hello again, it's I. (・∀・)ノ
  264. and what a surprise... I didn't do anything
  265. today, you should probably get accustomed to that
  266. if you are planning on reading whatever I end up
  267. writing here.
  268. It has been one of those days on which I feel as
  269. if I were sedated from the moment I stepped out
  270. of bed, I didn't need anything. I ate, hid and
  271. showered late at night, yet still feel dirty.
  272. (⇀‸↼‶)
  273. I don't think anyone minds my absence anymore, as
  274. if my empty stare had blended into the
  275. surroundings. Despite this, I am constantly
  276. feeling overwhelmed by emotions I don't
  277. understand.
  278. <i>[this part was cringy as fuck so i erased
  279. it. . .(6-9-21 at 3:15pm)]</i>
  280. Anyways, I miss those moments in my life, those
  281. that brought me closer with the human condition.
  282. tonight I feel like garbage (∪.∪)。。。zzZ
  283. song of the day !
  284. "Is She Fiona" by The Gerbils
  285. <a id="5-9-21"></a>
  286. 5-9-21 at 5:10am
  287. first entry !, how fun. ...φ(・∀・*)
  288. how about a little introduction for those who
  289. don't know me just yet? so, my name's Naomi and
  290. has been for a few years already. I live in
  291. Chile, I'm currently 18 years old and uhhh I'm
  292. also a trans girl-person-thing, kind of depends
  293. on how my little brain is wired to function each
  294. day...
  295. I'll try to be as honest as I can when typing, so
  296. if you wish to know me better please do knowing
  297. that I am an ill person not really trying my
  298. best.
  299. onto whatever happened today, it was an average
  300. day ┐('~`;)┌
  301. we went out with part of my family to the beach,
  302. it all looked the same as the last time we were
  303. there, we sat on a restaurant and some street
  304. performers started doing a play about a man who
  305. lived there at the port and had signed a deal
  306. with the devil.
  307. my phone died mid trip so I had a lot of time
  308. alone with my brain.
  309. for some reason, whenever a thought crosses my
  310. mind I just wanna knock myself out, stupidly
  311. enough, I don't feel worthy of thinking about
  312. the future or all things that could go well,
  313. some part of me thinks nothing will ever go well.
  314. to be honest, nothing else happened today ┐(˘、˘)┌
  315. right now there's a rat or some living thing up
  316. in the attic, can't remember for how long it's
  317. been there but it just won't let me sleep, I
  318. think it's having babies or just chewing on wood.
  319. anyways, song of the day !, how's that ( ^▽^)
  320. "Quiero estar entre tus cosas" by Daniel Melero
  321. tomorrow I'll come up with a better story, I'll
  322. tell you about it if manage to wake up.
  323. (\_(\
  324. (=’ :’)
  325. (,(”)(”)
  326. </pre>
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  328. <a href="#top">back to top...</a>
  329. <br><br>
  330. <a href="termhome.html">home</a>
  331. <br><br><br>
  332. by naomi, the saddest kid on the block 2021
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