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- Naomi's
- <a onclick="change()"><h1 id="toptitle">whiny diary</h1></a>
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- 。゜゜(´O`) ゜゜。
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- <li><a href="#16-1-22">16-1-22</a></li>
- <li><a href="#26-10-21">26-10-21</a></li>
- <li><a href="#14-10-21">14-10-21</a></li>
- <li><a href="#13-10-21">13-10-21</a></li>
- <li><a href="#16-9-21">16-9-21</a></li>
- <li><a href="#11-9-21">11-9-21</a></li>
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- <div class="bad entry centered">
- <a id="16-1-22"></a>
- <a id="bad"></a>
- 16-1-22 at 4:42am
- <br>
- Second attempt at writing, currently inebriated with estrogen and tap water.
- <br><br>
- This is one way of reminding you I still live, you don't know how nice it is to have someone to talk to.
- The intriguing part about talking to you is that I can't tell who you are, maybe you are one of my best
- friends or maybe you are a permanent stain in my brain I can't get rid of, maybe you don't know me at
- all, I don't know. I don't want you to take the things I say here personally, they are just my thoughts
- and I don't mean them to hurt anyone.
- <br><br>
- This is the first entry after starting my hormonal transition, for the longest part I never thought I would
- make it to this point, it always remained a dream and nothing more than one, the struggle continues
- however, now in ways I didn't exactly expect. I want to tell you about everything I've noticed so far, it
- gets pretty dense from here, try not to stare directly into my words.
- <br><br>
- At almost a month in, I want out.
- <br><br>
- What was I expecting from a second puberty when the first one was so traumatic, living in this
- nightmare for so many years left my body scarred beyond repair. The very first week I didn't notice
- much, apart from nausea and the permanent need to pee every 30 minutes due to puberty blockers, I too
- became more emotional, but it wasn't until the second or third week that everything started going
- wrong. Most people close to me are aware of my issues with mental health, self harm and suicide, so I
- thought maybe transition would help me out, maybe improve my mental health a bit, I was even
- starting to go to therapy, then, all thoughts seemed to increment in size, taking a bigger space in my
- head, awful thoughts, suicide was the most recurrent.
- <br><br>
- Does that make you as scared as it makes me?, I think I'm in danger and I blame these pills, but what
- other options do I have?, just living forever in the crushing misery of growing apart from my own body,
- breathing to witness my own decay; it's not preferable to what I have now.
- <br><br>
- I'm getting overwhelmed but it was nice talking to you, I will try to post more often.
- <br><br>
- song of the day:
- <br><br>
- Mörder (Part 2) by M.B.
- </div>
- <div class="white line centered"></div>
- <div class="average entry centered">
- <a id="26-10-21"></a>
- <a id="average"></a>
- 26-10-21 at 12:44am
- <br>
- I have a disease deeply rooted in the brain, still not quite sure what it may be yet I
- would give it all to ease this affliction.
- <br><br>
- Tonight I'm surrounded by them, bugs that fly around or crawl towards me as the light
- that burns their bodies, moths living in my hair, the buzzing sound of flies and spiders
- who can't seem to catch a prey, all starving in this empty room whose sole ruler is me.
- I wish they knew I fully comprehend them and their pain, I too live inside of a room I
- can't escape.
- <br><br>
- This room has seen me lose it many times, seen me beaten up, crying, bleeding, it's seen
- me do things that I'm too ashamed to admit to.
- <br><br>
- Maybe it's her influence over this space that makes my internal monologue feel like a
- weird dialogue, I may be going mad but their advice is more valuable than anything I could
- and will tell myself.
- <br><br>
- I wish to talk more about the things I've done but I can't handle them in my current state.
- <br><br>
- could you tell me what I have? would knowing help at all?
- <br><br>
- song of the day:
- <br><br>
- "Corazón de Escarcha" by Chamal
- </div>
- <div class="white line centered"></div>
- <div class="bad entry centered">
- <a id="14-10-21"></a>
- <a id="bad"></a>
- 14-10-21 at 3:13am
- <br>
- the best of ideas come to mind when im weeping, you could see what I'm thinking of by
- looking at the way my veins are arranged tonight.
- <br><br>
- Yesterday I heard silence, a break from the monotonous static burnt into my ears,
- something was letting me rest. I made it through the day sleeping, dreaming about mourning
- for someone's mother, perhaps I could mourn for my own. Although pretty much alive,
- pretending that she's dead brings a comforting feeling of sadness to my chest.
- <br><br>
- <i>Mom holds me as a mother would, I stare numbly when she carves poetry into my skin.
- <br>
- Mom will take out my insides, but I won't complain, for her beauty soothes my pain.
- <br>
- Mom helps me wake up.</i>
- <br><br>
- it's a recurring nightmare.
- <br><br>
- song of the day:
- <br><br>
- "Mãe (mãe solteira)" by Tom Zé (restart the page If you see the main page's playlist)
- </div>
- <div class="white line centered"></div>
- <div class="average entry centered">
- <a id="13-10-21"></a>
- <a id="average"></a>
- 13-10-21 at 4:02am
- <br>
- About the past few weeks and days to come.
- <br><br>
- I gave life a shot, didn't quite understand what shooting meant in that context.
- <br><br>
- My hopeless brain would get an upgrade, I was sure everything would change when I first
- sent <i>them</i> a message, regardless of all that sugar and spice that came with that
- feeling, I was still far from relieved, so held together by bare wires, I awaited for
- instructions.
- <br><br>
- Fast forward to a few weeks later, I had done it, they had given me a few numbers and
- wished me luck, that was when the best of life had to come in, I found myself at home, I
- had allowed myself to dream.
- <br><br>
- Dreams come true in tales, I don't believe anyone wants me in theirs, following them would
- probably disturb my routine, I like that as an excuse.
- <br><br>
- It's all been a matter of mantaining comfort in life, yet many aspects inherent to it
- attempt against that purpose, uncertainty being the one brainworm that breaks me into
- tears the most.
- <br><br>
- For the days to come, I may try a different, unorthodox approach to life, I'll tell you
- more about it once it takes over, for now, I think I'll rest. (_ _*) Z z z
- <br><br>
- song for today and those days
- <br><br>
- "Bernal" by Nunavut (restart the page If you see the main page's playlist)
- </div>
- <div class="white line centered"></div>
- <div class="average entry centered">
- <a id="16-9-21"></a>
- <a id="average"></a>
- 16-9-21 at 5:37pm
- <br>
- It's been a few days and well...٩(ˊ〇ˋ*)و I'm not doing that bad anymore, life still sucks as one
- could expect, but my self destruction is becoming more of a repressed desire to hurt myself
- than an action. Anyways...
- <br><br>
- It's about to be independence day here in Chile, well... we could argue that
- our independence has paved the way for new forms of oppression to arise, those that we, to this
- day, haven't managed to get rid of. Luckily for the people, we have just about enough culture
- to brag about how great our traditions are for one entire month ! ! !...
- <br><br>
- You can tell I'm not a fan of this holiday, it glorifies this patriarchal society and celebrates
- cruelty towards animals, don't you think they have suffered enough already?
- <br><br>
- It's interesting to go back in time in the history of our country, back when culture belonged
- to the people and they weren't being dictated how they should make art by gringos or europeans,
- owners of the international corporations that own Chile. Nowadays, the only aspect in our culture
- that belongs to us is nothing more than empty (but meaningful way back then) slogans invented
- by some poet in the 70s that people like to chant in unison while protesting.
- <br><br>
- song of they day ! ヽ(o´∀`)ノ♪♬
- <br><br>
- "Mazúrquica Modérnica" by Violeta Parra (restart the page If you see the main page's playlist)
- </div>
- <div class="white line centered"></div>
- <div class="special entry centered">
- <a id="11-9-21"></a>
- <a id="special"></a>
- 11-9-21
- <br><s>
- ...Y es así como siempre debió de ser, hoy aprendo a creer en un destino inmutable, cual
- en mi limitada comprensión supe predecir hace ya años. Esa certidumbre no sale de la nada,
- sino que partió como una leve sospecha que con el tiempo se desenvolvió en una verdad casi
- absoluta.
- <br><br>
- Siento una gran rabia contra todo lo que alguna vez me dañó y mas aún contra esa gente
- que mañana verá en sus bolsillos el gran patrimonio que les dejó mi seguro de vida.
- <br><br>
- Aceptando hoy lo que depare el mañana, les agradezco por haberme acompañado <3
- <br><br></s>
- song: "Es Como I" by Estela Magnone & Jaime Roos
- </div>
- <div class="white line centered"></div>
- <div class="bad entry centered">
- <a id="10-9-21"></a>
- <a id="bad"></a>
- 10-9-21 at 1:04am
- <br>
- i had typed a long chunk of text, now I wnt to relapse, god
- </div>
- <div class="white line centered"></div>
- <div class="bad entry centered">
- <a id="8-9-21"></a>
- <a id="bad"></a>
- 8-9-21 at 3:01am
- <br>
- Hey, it's me again. ( ´ ω ` )ノ゙
- <br><br>
- Today, for once in a long while I could at least get out of bed in the morning. Tonight,
- I'm laying down. If it were for me, I'd stay below these blankets for all eternity... Now
- hidden to my eyes is my own naked corpse. I try not to look at it if possible. I remember
- showering with the lights off to try and deal with whatever I was feeling back then. It's
- of course, been all in vain, I'm feeling as disgusting as ever, whoever gets to see me now
- might just feel the same.
- <br><br>
- I want to be perceived, I always lie about it. I wish to be seen and some times desired, I
- wish to change the smallest details that give everything away, I wish to succeed in life
- once I find out how to live. I'm so mad...
- <br><br>
- I too want me to keep bleeding, as if these wounds had never healed. It's such an icy feeling
- <br><br>
- I had prepared a bunch of border styles to represent my mood each day but so far I've just
- used the red one, I know some day you'll see green or maybe gold in here.
- <br><br>
- song of the day /(・ × ・)\
- <br><br>
- "Old Echo" by Nesey Gallons, now on ZE WEB ! ! !(restart the page If you see the main
- page's playlist)
- </div>
- <div class="white line centered"></div>
- <div class="bad entry centered">
- <a id="7-9-21"></a>
- <a id="bad"></a>
- 7-9-21 at 5:02am
- <br>
- Hola a todes ! (*・ω・)ノ Naomi here. . .
- <br><br>
- It's that time of night for me again, time to squeeze my brain dry for any drops of inspiration
- I may have left. Exhausted from everyday nothingness, I begin with my ramblings.
- <br><br>
- Nothing happened today (yet again), it's another one of those nights on which I try to remember
- what caused me to ruin myself forever. I mean, if nothing ever happens, why did I once want to
- end it all?
- <br><br>
- That feeling of impotence, the one you get when you don't know who to blame, it's making me
- believe I'm guilty on all charges against nobody but myself, this conflicts with another
- feeling, that one of powerlessness, how could I be found guilty If I'm not capable of getting
- ahold of my own life?
- <br><br>
- May this be why tonight i'm yearning for power, just enough to take back control of my life.
- <br><br>
- song of the day. <i>[edited (7-9-21 at 2:35pm)]</i>
- "Dulce 3 Nocturno" by Pescado Rabioso, playing NOW on the music player ! (restart the page If
- you see the main page's playlist)
- </div>
- <div class="white line centered"></div>
- <div class="bad entry centered">
- <a id="6-9-21"></a>
- <a id="bad"></a>
- 6-9-21 at 4:30am
- <br>
- Hello again, it's I. (・∀・)ノ
- <br><br>
- and what a surprise... I didn't do anything today, you should probably get accustomed
- to that if you are planning on reading whatever I end up writing here.
- <br><br>
- It has been one of those days on which I feel as if I were sedated from the moment
- I stepped out of bed, I didn't need anything. I ate, hid and showered late at night,
- yet still feel dirty. (⇀‸↼‶)
- <br><br>
- I don't think anyone minds my absence anymore, as if my empty stare had blended
- into the surroundings. Despite this, I am constantly feeling overwhelmed by emotions
- I don't understand.
- <br><br>
- <i>[this part was cringy as fuck so i erased it. . .(6-9-21 at 3:15pm)]</i>
- <br><br>
- Anyways, I miss those moments in my life, those that brought me closer with the
- human condition.
- <br><br>
- tonight I feel like garbage (∪.∪)。。。zzZ
- <br><br>
- song of the day !
- <br>
- "Is She Fiona" by The Gerbils, up now on the musick player ! ! (restart the page if you
- see the main page's playlist)
- </div>
- <div class="white line centered"></div>
- <div class="average entry centered">
- <a id="5-9-21"></a>
- <a id="average"></a>
- 5-9-21 at 5:10am
- <br>
- first entry !, how fun. ...φ(・∀・*)<br>
- how about a little introduction for those who don't know me just yet?<br>
- so, my name's Naomi and has been for a few years already. I live in Chile,
- I'm currently 18 years old and uhhh I'm also a trans girl-person-thing,
- kind of depends on how my little brain is wired to function each day...
- I'll try to be as honest as I can when typing, so if you wish to know me
- better please do knowing that I am an ill person not really trying my best.
- <br><br>
- onto whatever happened today, it was an average day ┐('~`;)┌
- <br><br>
- we went out with part of my family to the beach, it all looked the same as the
- last time we were there, we sat on a restaurant and some street performers started
- doing a play about a man who lived there at the port and had signed a deal with the devil.
- <br><br>
- my phone died mid trip so I had a lot of time alone with my brain.
- <br>
- for some reason, whenever a thought crosses my mind I just wanna knock myself out,
- stupidly enough, I don't feel worthy of thinking about the future or all things that
- could go well, some part of me thinks nothing will ever go well.
- <br><br>
- to be honest, nothing else happened today. ┐(˘、˘)┌
- <br><br>
- right now there's a rat or some living thing up in the attic, can't remember
- for how long it's been there but it just won't let me sleep, I think it's
- having babies or just chewing on wood.
- <br><br>
- anyways, song of the day !, how's that ( ^▽^)
- <br>
- "Quiero estar entre tus cosas" by Daniel Melero, should be up on the music
- player if you're using a computer. (restart the page if you see the main page's playlist)
- <br><br>
- tomorrow I'll come up with a better story, I'll tell you about it if manage to wake up.
- </div>
- </div>
- <div id=poetry style="display: none;">
- <div class="bad entry centered">
- <a id="condition"></a>
- <pre class=bod>I will know for sure in a few days
- if <b>my life is</b>
- or not <b>in danger</b>
- it may seem too far-fetched
- but it doesn't sound too bad
- once you <b>consider</b>
- the state of <b>my condition</b>
- politics aside, yesterday I slept quite well</pre>
- </div>
- <div class="white line centered"></div>
- <div class="rainbow entry centered">
- <a id="embodiment"></a>
- <pre class=bod>...yet after dusk
- she is but a cold pillow
- a crucial part of my healing
-
- a cleverly embodied soul</pre>
- </div>
- <div class="white line centered"></div>
- <div class="trans entry centered">
- <a id="best"></a>
- (つω`。)
- <pre class=bod>Ignoring all scratches
- scars and
- open wounds
- and the 5 years prior to this conversation
-
- it becomes evident I am
- living my best life
-
- for I can't afford another</pre>
- ( ´ ▿ ` )
- </div>
- <div class="white line centered"></div>
- <div class="bad entry centered">
- <a id="blood bank"></a>
- To feel desired
- <br>
- I began experimenting
- <br><br>
- with nudity
- <br><br>
- opening all my windows
- <br>
- for them to come in
- <br>
- letting life
- <br><br>
- feed off me
- </div>
- </div>
- </div>
- <div class="foot center">
- by naomi, the koolest kid on the block 2021-2022
- </div>
- </body>
- </html>
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