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- Konton no Tsukai
- 2021-08-01
- ***
- Your voice a non-entity,
- your face obscured
- by the fog over
- Mori's Mirror,
- your touch all that remains
- after another day of being entreated
- to dissolve and stay demure,
- to be soft and small
- and weak,
- reminded that no feat
- could possibly absolve
- the harmful nature to me inherent.
- Something is wrong with me,
- reflection-sent.
- Have I somehow
- finally burned
- out?
- I do not have to strain to perceive
- the Outside,
- the places where we will one day reside,
- where you'll take my face in your hands
- and whisper,
- "Lethe,
- I can't wait to start this new life
- with you."
- But not yet,
- never yet,
- still undreaming,
- still disparate.
- *Tremble in fear of a pure love,
- a union of equals.*
- Oh, how I shiver.
- My predicament is this:
- that, while part of me
- leaps in joy of becoming your wife,
- the other hisses
- at the thought of your kisses,
- thinking you a threat to our autonomy.
- No longer an atom,
- isolated, sole, alone,
- but depending on someone,
- daring to deem them... *home*.
- Not, we, but *I*-
- for I cannot further divide
- this soul already
- partly
- in yours intertwined-
- want to find a Holy Freezer
- and imprison myself in oblivion's soft ice
- forever.
- No chance of escape,
- for then what is the point?
- Lurking within
- me is an evil great
- and barely constrained,
- atavistic,
- incapable of reason
- or comprehending sin.
- But I am mortified of anything final,
- from death's arctic embrace
- to yours genial.
- I hesitate
- at the slightest decision,
- and it doesn't help that you oft
- tell me to just wait
- and see what happens.
- I don't know what to do.
- I don't know where to go.
- And soon will fall down the snow,
- and you'll have to hold me back
- from joining all the poor animals
- who forgot to take shelter and froze.
- Tell me,
- bearer of self-sown light,
- how do you love a parasite?
- How is it possible for you to adore a now-human pest
- guiltless for destruction,
- homicidal, chaos-blessed?
- There is no way to separate
- what I am from where I've went.
- If on your wings lies providence,
- on mine rests
- the Eschaton's portent.
- How do I convince my emotional side
- that I'm still a sovereign individual?
- That I'm worthy of love,
- can be loved as I am?
- That I'm not consigned to hell?
- That everything will turn out alright?
- ***
- CC BY-NC-SA 4.0 (c) Vane Vander
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