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    <div class="paper">
      <section class="content">
        <h1>Frequently Asked Questions</h1>

        <section>
	  <h2>So you're transgender, what does that even mean?</h2>
	  <p>
	    Transgender is the 'T' in the LGBT-acronym. It means that
	    I don't agree with the gender assigned on my birth
	    certificate. The opposite of transgender is
	    cisgender<sup><a class="anchor"
	    id="fn1src"></a><a href="#footnote1">1</a></sup>. More
	    precisely I'm a trans woman, i.e. a woman who had the
	    extremely bad luck of being born with testicles instead of
	    ovaries and was thus raised as a boy. So for most of my
	    life I believed I was a man and that most men thought like
	    me. On hindsight, after talking more personally with many
	    of my close male friends, that is a very silly thought.
	  </p>

	  <h2>You don't think like men?</h2>
	  <p>
	    Surprising, isn't it? As I recall several dozens of events
	    from my childhood, puberty and adulthood, I now feel
	    extremely stupid for having imagined these were thoughts
	    that most men would have.
	  </p>
	  <p>
	    For example, most of my life, since the first puberty, I
	    thought that just like me, all men fantasized of having
	    breasts. I mean <q>surely</q> that must have been the case
	    since they are so obsessed with them&hellip; However I
	    thought that that could never happen, so that's why nobody
	    ever mentioned it out loud.
	  </p>
	  <p>
	    I also thought that everybody else is also constantly
	    fighting their subconscious preferences whenever there's a
	    gendered choice to make, for example between choosing a
	    feminine or masculine version of an item, like a camera,
	    clothes, shampoo, etc., and that most people also had to
	    often take the least favourite option just to follow the
	    gender norms and avoid being bullied.
	  </p>
	  <p>
	    As a kid moving to a new school, I thought: <q>all my
	    teachers are women, so I'll grow up to be a
	    woman</q>. What kind of kid gets thoughts like this, and
	    also recalls them every year ever since?!  Well now I
	    know: a trans girl.
	  </p>
	  <p>
	    I feel like there were so many hints that I should have
	    realized my identity much earlier. I don't deserve to keep
	    my PhD!
	  </p>

	  <h2>So you want to become a woman?</h2>
	  <p>
	    I don't want to become a woman, I am a woman. Before, I
	    wasn't <q>out</q> as a woman. Please don't reduce people
	    simply to the sum of their body parts. People who seek
	    treatment to their menopausal symptoms don't want to
	    become women either. They are women. My situation is the
	    same but more extreme: I have mental pain because my body
	    produces the wrong balance of sex hormones, i.e. too much
	    testosterone and too little oestrogen. That makes my body
	    look different than how I see myself as, and also affects
	    my mood. So I want to fix that, and feminize my body and
	    voice through medical treatment and vocal practice. This
	    is called <em>transitioning</em>.
	  </p>

	  <h2>Couldn't you be mistaken?</h2>
	  <p>
	    Mistaken, like being delusional?  That would mean my
	    primal wishes and fantasies of waking up in a female body
	    since adolescence don't mean anything; that I have been
	    delusional for most of my life? That doesn't even make
	    sense. On the other hand perhaps it's not my body's
	    problem but a problem of my brain not growing up
	    masculine. But guess what? The brain is the one in charge.
	  </p>

	  <h2>What if you change your mind later?</h2>
	  <p>
	    I can see two possible ways I would change opinion on this
	    later: a) of my own free will after having lived as a
	    woman for several years, or b) by society's transphobia
	    that makes transitioning very difficult. In the first case
	    there's nothing wrong and I would feel very proud to have
	    another experience under my belt. In the second case
	    please encourage me to continue with transitioning. My
	    inner child is a little girl. If b) happens, that girl
	    who's been struggling to get heard for this long would get
	    locked up, or worse. I would be like an empty husk
	    afterwards.
	  </p>

	  <h2>How did you know you are trans?</h2>
	  <p>
	    This is a long story, but the gist of it is as follows: I
	    have always dreamt of having a female body, but I didn't
	    even know transgender people existed or that there is such
	    a thing as hormone replacement therapy. I thought this
	    must be a pretty common fantasy, albeit one that's
	    impossible to come true. Then one of my quite distant
	    friends came out publicly as trans, but I ignored that for
	    a while since I thought it meant the same as
	    cross-dressing. Then my subconscious gender started
	    manifesting even more, and I stumbled upon an article
	    about the various gender choices Facebook introduced a few
	    years ago. Suddenly <q>transgender</q> was a real serious
	    word for me, and I started reading about it. The stories
	    of other trans people resonated well within me, and that's
	    how I started on the path which I'm on now.
	  </p>
	  <p>
	    That was the short and boring version. The more detailed
	    version includes angels, toxic plastic, and a great deal
	    of self-deception. I might post it one day more publicly,
	    but for now you have to meet me face to face if you want
	    to hear it.
	  </p>

	  <h2>But you didn't know it as a child?</h2>
	  <p>
	    It's true that in the news and media transgender people
	    are often depicted as having known it since they were
	    children, for example by insisting on playing with the
	    toys of the opposite gender. Like most issues in the news
	    this is an oversimplification. There is no particular age
	    limit on when people can realize this part of
	    themselves. Furthermore it's a fight between society's
	    external pressure (transphobia, cisnormativity, gender
	    binary) and the person's primal sense of self. For example
	    if I had grown up in a more liberal country and had seen
	    other transgender kids, I might have connected the dots
	    already in primary school. I simply thought, like my
	    parents and teachers had taught, that having a penis meant
	    being a boy, end of story, and that all boys are on some
	    level jealous of girls.
	  </p>

	  <h2>So you liked guys?</h2>
	  <p>
	    No! Gender and sexual orientation are different
	    matters. However I want to feel good about my own body
	    first before thinking of this issue too deeply.
	  </p>

	  <h2>Subconscious gender?</h2>
	  <p>
	    This, or <em>subconscious sex</em>, is one of the terms
	    coined by Julia Serrano to explain gender variance in
	    people. Everybody has a subconscious gender, but for most
	    people it is the same as the gender assigned to them by a
	    doctor looking at genitals at birth. When it is not, it
	    tends to manifest itself in subtle ways. Let me give you
	    an obvious example: the first time I saw myself in a
	    dream, I saw a woman.
	  </p>
	  <p>
	    A much earlier and much more subtle example: the store
	    from which I bought my first camera had two colors for it,
	    red and blue. Most people would just pick the color they
	    like best and be done with it. My mind raced, <q>I should
	    take the blue one because it's obviously for boys/guys,
	    but I like the red one much more. Moreover since I'm so
	    tall and strong, nobody would dare to insult me for taking
	    the girly choice</q> and I bought the red one. Basically
	    often when there was this type of choice and I felt I
	    could get away with it I would pick the more feminine
	    option.
	  </p>
	  <p>
	    The words <q>get away with it</q> are relevant
	    here. Society is much more tolerant to masculine girls
	    than feminine boys. When I was young I had long hair. And
	    I was insulted of <q>being a girl</q> or <q>being a
	    tranny</q><sup><a class="anchor"
	    id="fn2src"></a><a href="#footnote2">2</a></sup> so much
	    just for that. So I mostly let these gendered thoughts
	    come and go and dismissed them. But fighting against my
	    deepest thoughts was a losing battle. Over time there were
	    more and more of these kinds of thoughts which also became
	    more and more explicit. Each time I acted on them I would
	    feel inexplicable joy.
	  </p>
	  <p>
	    For example I used to sit cross-legged until I was ten
	    years old or so. Then one of my classmates said that girls
	    sit like that. I didn't want to be bullied, so I stopped
	    sitting that way. Ever since, every single day, every
	    single time when I sat down I consciously avoided crossing
	    my legs. This summer of 2018 I went against that. I sat
	    down legs crossed for the first time after 20 years. It
	    felt like fireworks! It felt like freedom! It felt like
	    that's the proper way to sit down! Silly isn't it?
	  </p>

	  <h2>People mention gender dysphoria&hellip;</h2>
	  <p>
	    There is no precise definition of gender dysphoria. It
	    encompasses all the negative feelings related to the
	    incongruence of your subconscious sex with your external
	    or perceived gender. A related but opposite concept is
	    <em>gender euphoria</em>: the feeling of joy when your
	    actions or how people perceive you is congruent with your
	    subconscious sex.  As with most feelings, these can be
	    subtle or very explicit.  Recall the example above of
	    feeling strange joy from buying the red camera. Similarly
	    I felt very glad when my wife said that many women would
	    be jealous of my eyelashes. That's gender euphoria.
	  </p>
	  <p>
	    Gender dypshoria is more difficult to detect before you
	    admit consciously to yourself that you are
	    transgender. There's always some excuse for why you would
	    feel bad. As a kid I did enjoy breakdancing and
	    partying. During my teenage years I skipped all the fun
	    and partying and focused my mind 100% on maths. I simply
	    didn't see anything worth celebrating or enjoying in what
	    puberty brought forth. I thought I felt bad exclusively
	    because of my father's death. But that happened many years
	    earlier, and I had been happy between that and the start
	    of puberty. I was especially sad and felt like nothing
	    could be done about the beard and the changes to my
	    voice. Similarly, the typical milestones of getting
	    married, buying a house and becoming a father never felt
	    that important to me. It was like that's what was expected
	    of me, so I'll gravitate towards that then. It felt like
	    someone else's dream. However now if I go back to those
	    milestones and imagine I would be a mother, that changes
	    everything! It really makes me want to pursue that dream.
	  </p>
	  <p>
	    After you know you are trans, gender dysphoria becomes
	    painfully obvious. I can give you some examples again: I
	    feel mild discomfort whenever I book a flight ticket and
	    have to choose <q>male</q> because that's what's on my
	    passport. I'd rather not look at mirrors if I can avoid
	    it. Same thing with seeing myself in photos. When I go to
	    shopping centers I feel a deep sorrow because the women's
	    clothes I see there wouldn't look good on my masculine
	    body. And I have no interest in men's clothes. If I see
	    someone pregnant I feel happy for them but also that fate
	    has played a cruel trick on me. Some days when I interact
	    a lot with people who see me as a guy I cry for hours
	    after returning home. Now as I have to let my beard grow
	    for electrolysis, I have to remind myself of no pain, no
	    gain to get through the day. Some days before I had
	    started hormone replacement therapy, I wished
	    I <q>only</q> had depression instead of gender dysphoria
	    and that I would not feel pain whenever I see myself.
	  </p>
	  <p>
	    Over time the feeling of gender dysphoria became much
	    worse for me, conjuring up suicidal thoughts in case the
	    doctors would not prescribe me oestrogen. That's why I am
	    transitioning to living and being perceived as a
	    woman. This is despite having to sacrifice many things for
	    that. These sacrifices are well worth it to avoid the pain
	    of the previous paragraph. But as it turns out, they are
	    only scratching the surface&hellip;
	  </p>
	  <p>
	    One hour after taking the first oestrogen pill, I realised
	    how bad my mental state had been. I felt a rush of
	    cheerfulness. I laughed. I started giggling. I felt
	    great. I felt what actual happiness is. I felt as if I had
	    had a glass of Champagne, and that feeling still lasts to
	    this day. What I thought was a normal mood earlier was
	    actually a state of depression. I had had thoughts of
	    suicide at least once a week for many years whenever I
	    would feel bad about something, and that something was
	    usually the thought of having to live according to the
	    typical male gender role. Suddenly these thoughts were all
	    gone. Poof! just like that, life felt like it's worth
	    living. Seems the oestrogen receptors in my brain had been
	    starving for quite some time. So for me gender dysphoria
	    was also a hormonal issue in the brain.
	  </p>

	  <h2>What are you going to do?</h2>
	  <p>
	    I am going to <em>transition</em>. This means different
	    things for different persons, and doesn't always involve
	    medical treatments. In my case it means the following. I
	    am already getting permanently rid of my beard with tens
	    of thousands of small electric shocks. I am doing vocal
	    exercices with the goal of learning to control my larynx
	    and soft tissue in the vocal tract to make my voice sound
	    womanly. I started hormone replacement therapy so that
	    people would look at me and see a woman, and that I would
	    finally develop the breasts I've been hoping for for so
	    long. Just these three items will take a long time to
	    complete. While this is happening please be supportive.
	  </p>

	  <h2>Hormone replacement therapy?</h2>
	  <p>
	    This, or HRT, in the context of transgender people, is
	    medication that will make the body start looking the same
	    gender as your mind is. I am having feminizing HRT which
	    means firstly that the testosterone produced by my body
	    doesn't affect me anymore, and secondly I am taking
	    oestrogen. In essence I am going through parts of the male
	    puberty in reverse while at the same time having the
	    female pubery (no, I cannot get periods or pregnant
	    unfortunately).
	  </p>

	  <h2>Don't you know that trans people get harassed and
	    discriminated against??</h2>
	  <p>
	    I do. Now I'd rather be bullied for who I am than live as
	    who I am not.
	  </p>

	  <h2>I'm serious, trans women get killed in bad neighbourhoods</h2>
	  <p>
	    Look, I am already very dysphoric about my own body, and
	    counting how many times I've almost died because of my
	    diabetes and risky motorcycle driving, I'm not going to
	    waste any time living a life I don't enjoy. Being harassed
	    and having to avoid dangerous looking people is nothing
	    compared to what I would feel if I continued my life
	    without transitioning.
	  </p>

	  <h2>How can I help?</h2>
	  <p>
	    Great question! You can google <q>how to be a trans
	      ally</q> and get general suggestions. But in my case you
	      can do the following:
	    <ul>
	      <li>
		Call me <em>Emilia</em> (or Emily or Em or <em>爱美
		丽</em>) and use <em>she/her/hers</em> when talking
		about me and my stuff. This will show everybody that
		you respect my gender identity.
	      </li>
	      <li>
		Use my new email address
		<a href="mailto:emilia.blasten@iki.fi">emilia.blasten@iki.fi</a> and
		as a backup
		<a href="mailto:emily@countermail.com">emily@countermail.com</a>.
	      </li>
	      <li>
		Give <strong>helpful</strong> suggestions if you think
		I'm doing something that could be done better.
	      </li>
	      <li>
		If you have any questions, please just ask. I'd rather
		answer than let you guess wrongly.
	      </li>
	      <li>
		Keep in touch with me. Now that I'm taking several
		months off for transitioning it's very easy to become
		lonely.
	      </li>
	    </ul>

	    <h2>What about maths? You left academia, no?</h2>
	  <p>
	    I did leave. But I'm an academic, and ended up quitting
	    the job at the bank. Currently I have enough savings for a
	    while after Hong Kong, and I want to calm down and let my
	    mind rest a bit. Transitioning is the number one priority
	    in my mind right now, at least getting rid of the
	    beard. It would take several months. Once that's done, I
	    feel I'd be ready to start working full-time again. Don't
	    worry, I'm keeping my mind sharp and am working on several
	    papers meanwhile.
	  </p>
        </section>

	<section class="footnotes">
	  <p>
	    <a class="anchor" id="footnote1"></a>
	    <sup><a href="#fn1src">1</a></sup><em>trans</em> is Latin
	    for <q>across, beyond</q>; <em>cis</em> means <q>on this
	    side of</q>.
	  </p>
	  <p>
	    <a class="anchor" id="footnote2"></a>
	    <sup><a href="#fn2src">2</a></sup>This is a slur. Don't
	    use it.
	  </p>
	</section>
      </section>
    </div>

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