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		<title>A day of rest &lt;https://y.st./en/weblog/2017/07-July/30.xhtml&gt;</title>
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		<header>
			<h1>A day of rest</h1>
			<p>Day 00876: Sunday, 2017 July 30</p>
		</header>
<section id="general">
	<h2>General news</h2>
	<p>
		Today was supposed to be a study day, along with tomorrow.
		However, I really needed a break.
		These constant emotional breakdowns really wear on me.
		I'm hoping that this time, I'm done with them for good.
		I've reunited the halves of my mind, and for the most part, I've stopped fighting what I am.
		Admittedly, I'm trying to meet my own needs instead of trying to get a partner to do it for me, but hopefully that won't be enough of an issue to break me again.
		Once I've recovered a bit, I should be incredibly stable emotionally, I think.
		However ... I have that errand to run tomorrow, on my only other day off from work before this week's coursework is due.
		After stopping at the University of Oregon in Eugene on bike, I'll need to come home and cram.
		Tomorrow won't be a fun day, that's for sure.
	</p>
	<p>
		My <a href="/a/canary.txt">canary</a> still sings the tune of freedom and transparency.
	</p>
</section>
<section id="mental">
	<h2>Mental health watch</h2>
	<p>
		A while back, I spelled &quot;ALEX YST IS A MUTANT FREAK WITH A HODGEPODGE BRAIN&quot; in refrigerator magnets, and at the time, seeing it spelled out brought me joy.
		Understanding I'm a freak validated what I am, and explained why I don't feel the way others do.
		It was meant to be light-hearted and self-celebrating.
		After noticing the tear in my personality though, the the phrase &quot;MUTANT FREAK&quot; took a dark turn for me.
		I didn't realise it was a tear at first, and thought it was a natural duality.
		It brought me pain though, a lot of pain and confusion.
		I resented being the mutant freak that I am.
		I've repaired the split, but the phrase &quot;MUTANT FREAK&quot; still seems tainted to me.
		It's no longer light-hearted, but instead, incredibly dark and self-deprecating.
		I've replaced my former words with &quot;ALEX YST IS AGENDERED AND GAY&quot;, a more-specific description of my anomaly.
		I might not want to identify as a mutant freak ever again.
	</p>
	<p>
		I took a closer look at Lexi and Xander, my former halves, and I don't think they were what I thought they were.
		I thought Xander was the masculine one, but he never really showed any traits of masculinity.
		Instead, he was just overly-logical and cold.
		Lexi wasn't feminine as much as she was just emotional.
		She was the one able to feel both great joy and great sorrow, while Xander was mostly indifferent.
		I couldn't split my masculinity from my femininity because I have no masculinity, and likely have no real femininity.
		I am a neutral, and I need to avoid forgetting that.
	</p>
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