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		<header>
			<h1>Proving I&apos;m me when I want to</h1>
			<p>Day 00843: Tuesday, 2017 June 27</p>
		</header>
<section id="to-do">
	<h2>To-do list</h2>
	<ul>
		<li>
			Acquire stuff for my new home:
			<ul>
				<li>
					A bed
				</li>
				<li>
					A dustpan
				</li>
				<li>
					A carpet broom
				</li>
			</ul>
		</li>
		<li>
			Inform people that I&apos;ve moved
			<ul>
				<li>
					Relevant online accounts
				</li>
			</ul>
		</li>
		<li>
			Finish stabilizing <a href="https://git.volatile.ch./y.st./include.d/releases">include.d</a> and put out another release (low priority)
		</li>
		<li>
			Clean up my apartment
			<ul>
				<li>
					Clean up the <del>study alcove and</del> living room
				</li>
				<li>
					Clean up the kitchen <del>and entryway</del>
				</li>
			</ul>
		</li>
		<li>
			Finish the library&apos;s &quot;bingo&quot; sheet (these tasks were typed verbatim, and include any mistakes and quirks present on the sheet handed to me)
			<ul>
				<li>
					Attend any library program
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a book you found using Novelist. A librarian can help!
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a nonfiction title
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a poem by Oregon Poet Laureate Elizabeth Woody
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a book checked out from the Springfield Library (print, ebook, or audio)
				</li>
				<li>
					Visit somewhere new in downtown Springfield
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a graphic novel
				</li>
				<li>
					Read an author you have never read before
				</li>
				<li>
					Get outside: read in a Willamalane park for one hour willamalane.org
				</li>
				<li>
					Browse the Gale Virtual Reference Library. A librarian can help!
				</li>
				<li>
					Build, draw, or make something based on a book that you read
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a science fiction title
				</li>
				<li>
					Share a book recommendation
				</li>
				<li>
					Read an award-winning book
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a book from a library display
				</li>
				<li>
					Suggest a library program you would attend
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a new book (published in 2016 or 2017)
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a young adult or children&apos;s book
				</li>
				<li>
					Build community: do something social. Try one of our book groups or go to Springfilm!
				</li>
				<li>
					Read something funny and have a good laugh :)
				</li>
				<li>
					Look at the art in the City Hall Gallery. There&apos;s a new show every month!
				</li>
				<li>
					Volunteer for a couple hours at a community organization of your choice.
				</li>
				<li>
					Download one of the library&apos;s free apps or search in a database. A librarian can help!
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a book that takes place in another country
				</li>
				<li>
					Recommend our BINGO challenge to friends or family
				</li>
			</ul>
		</li>
	</ul>
</section>
<section id="general">
	<h2>General news</h2>
	<p>
		I had my filing cabinet key copied this morning.
		Again, the locksmith asked for <abbr title="identification">ID</abbr> when I tried to pay with my credit card.
		This time though, I actually had <abbr title="identification">ID</abbr> to show them.
		It&apos;s a nice feeling being able to prove who I am when I want to.
	</p>
	<p>
		My mother wrote today asking if I was home.
		I took this as a threat that she was coming over.
		I switched from coursework mode to mad-rush apartment-cleaning mode.
		I&apos;m getting so much closer to having the place presentable, but it&apos;s not there yet.
		As it turned out, she had just come over to dump trash in the apartment dumpster and was thinking about how she hadn&apos;t seen me in a while.
		With my recent hormonal issues, coursework, and lack of organisation, I haven&apos;t had time to visit.
		I admitted the first two of these things to her.
		I wasn&apos;t sure what to expect from her, but as I said yesterday, I refuse to live in a closet.
		I never got to come out of the closet as an asexual, as I was open all along.
		Part of that was likely due to the fact that I didn&apos;t understand that everyone else wasn&apos;t like me.
		By the time I had a label for it, I&apos;d been out all along.
		The only difference here is that now I know.
		I recognise I&apos;m not like the others and I already have what I think is the right label for it.
		I can&apos;t hide though.
		My self-exploration demands that I admit what I am; otherwise, the next part of me likely won&apos;t reveal itself.
		In any case, my mother seemed pretty accepting, offering two possibilities.
		First, she said even &quot;normal&quot; (quotes added by me, not her) guys have gay thoughts, even if they don&apos;t admit it.
		If that&apos;s the case, I could still be asexual, I&apos;m just having normal, strange thoughts.
		The second is that I might be a late bloomer, as my sexuality never seemed to expose itself as a child.
		I&apos;ve considered this possibility.
		Several times.
		I&apos;m not sure I like this option, but if it does turn out to be the case, I might just need a handsome man in my life.
	</p>
	<p>
		I was no longer in the mood to do coursework.
		I was already in mad-rush apartment-cleaning mode, so I continued with that for a bit.
		I&apos;ve completely cleaned out the study alcove, and I&apos;ve organised most of the stuff in the living room.
		What remains is a small pile; small enough that saying that the mess is only temporary while I finish organising the place is actually believable now.
		I&apos;ve likewise cleaned up the entryway, including the shelves built into the wall there, and have started on the kitchen.
		Once this place is fully-organised, surprise visits won&apos;t be such a threat any more.
	</p>
	<p>
		I had a passing thought today.
		I thought that homophobia was the fear that one might be gay themself, but often resulted in discrimination against homosexuals as a form of self-reassurance.
		I mean, if you hate gays, you can&apos;t be one yourself, right?
		I don&apos;t hate gays; one of my best friends in high school was gay.
		I&apos;m just not sure I want to <strong>*be*</strong> gay.
		So does my fear that I might be gay make me homophobic?
		I looked it up though, and while the internalised version (as opposed to the institutionalised version) of homophobia does stem from a fear that one might themself be gay, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homophobia">homophobia</a> is about negativity towards homosexuality.
		I have no problem with homosexuality.
		To me, homosexuality is like neckties.
		I don&apos;t want to wear them myself, but I honestly have no problem with other people wearing them.
		I find wearing neckties to be an unpleasant thought, as I find them uncomfortable, but other people find them to be very handsome and/or stylish, and that&apos;s fine too.
	</p>
	<p>
		The wound on my left palm continues to noticeably shrink, but I&apos;m still impatient for it to heal up completely.
		If I could&apos;ve hurt some other part of my body that I don&apos;t use to grab everything, that&apos;d&apos;ve been more convenient.
		The scar on my right thumb from crashing my bicycle <a href="/en/weblog/2016/04-April/14.xhtml">over a year ago</a> still hasn&apos;t gone away.
		I guess that one might be permanent.
		<del>Long story short, don&apos;t bike at night without bike lights unless there are plenty of street lights.</del>
		<ins>I mean, uh, don&apos;t bike at night without bike lights, &apos;cause that&apos;s illegal.</ins>
		Yeah, that&apos;s what I meant to say.
	</p>
	<p>
		It seems that within the next week or two, we&apos;re remodelling the front counter and lobby at work.
		My martial artist shift leader said it&apos;s likely we&apos;ll remove the stupid, dangerous counter I hurt my hand on.
		Score!
		I ... have doubts as to whether this&apos;ll actually happen though.
		We&apos;ve remodelled before, and always left that counter.
		I don&apos;t want to get my hopes up too far.
	</p>
	<p>
		My <a href="/a/canary.txt">canary</a> still sings the tune of freedom and transparency.
	</p>
</section>
<section id="mental">
	<h2>Mental health watch</h2>
	<p>
		At work, I tried to keep an eye on what physical features I find attractive.
		I&apos;m new at this, so honestly, I don&apos;t know what I like.
		Looks aren&apos;t everything, and I think I&apos;d partner with an ugly guy if he had a good heart, but it doesn&apos;t hurt to know what you&apos;re into.
		Besides, part of accepting who I am is exploring this.
		Anyway, I found something very interesting to me.
		While my main attraction seems to be toward males, I&apos;m having some attraction toward females with certain masculine characteristics.
		That is, until I think about genitals.
		Female genitals are a huge turn-off for me, while <span class="redacted">a penis against my prostate</span> actually sounds pretty fun.
		Interesting.
		I&apos;m also noticing that my attractions aren&apos;t coming with any desire.
		Sex with people I don&apos;t know, or even people I do, isn&apos;t overly appealing.
		I want one man that I can trust and wrap myself around.
		It seems I&apos;m not promiscuous then.
		That&apos;s good; sex with one person is a risk, but sex with a multitude is just asking for trouble.
		Another thing that might make being gay a better fit for my personality (not that I have a choice in the matter), is that traditional gender roles in a gay relation ship hold little meaning.
		There is no woman to fill feminine roles and no man to fill masculine roles.
		We&apos;ll be just two men, defining our roles together.
	</p>
</section>
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			Copyright © 2017 Alex Yst;
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			If for some reason you would prefer to modify and/or distribute this document under other free copyleft terms, please ask me via email.
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