    █▀▀▀▀▀▀ naomi's ▀▀▀▀▀▀█
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    ░     whiny diary     ░

    ■  。゜゜(´Ｏ`) ゜゜。■
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     welcome, hyperlink travellerz...
    you may stay in here for as long as you like, for
     there is a great submarine cable wiring us all
     together tonight

     16-1-22     26-10-21     14-10-21     13-10-21
    16-9-21     11-9-21      10-9-21      8-9-21
    7-9-21      6-9-21       5-9-21

    16-1-22 at 4:42am

    Second attempt at writing, currently inebriated
    with estrogen and tap water.

    This is one way of reminding you I still live,
    you don't know how nice it is to have someone to
     talk to.
    The intriguing part about talking to you is that
    I can't tell who you are, maybe you are one of
    my best friends or maybe you are a permanent
    stain in my brain I can't get rid of, maybe you
    don't know me at all, I don't know. I don't want
    you to take the things I say here personally,
    they are just my thoughts and I don't mean them
    to hurt anyone.

    This is the first entry after starting my
    hormonal transition, for the longest part I
    never thought I would make it to this point, it
    always remained a dream and nothing more than
    one, the struggle continues however, now in ways
    I didn't exactly expect. I want to tell you about
    everything I've noticed so far, it gets pretty
    dense from here, try not to stare directly into
    my words.

    At almost a month in, I want out.

    What was I expecting from a second puberty when
    the first one was so traumatic, living in this
    nightmare for so many years left my body scarred
    beyond repair. The very first week I didn't
    notice much, apart from nausea and the permanent
    need to pee every 30 minutes due to puberty
    blockers, I too became more emotional, but it
    wasn't until the second or third week that
    everything started going wrong. Most people
    close to me are aware of my issues with mental
    health, self harm and suicide, so I thought
    maybe transition would help me out, maybe
    improve my mental health a bit, I was even
    starting to go to therapy, then, all thoughts
    seemed to increment in size, taking a bigger
    space in my head, awful thoughts, suicide was
    the most recurrent.

    Does that make you as scared as it makes me?, I
    think I'm in danger and I blame these pills, but
    what other options do I have?, just living
    forever in the crushing misery of growing apart
    from my own body, breathing to witness my own
    decay; it's not preferable to what I have now.

    I'm getting overwhelmed but it was nice talking
    to you, I will try to post more often.

    song of the day:

    Mörder (Part 2) by M.B.

    26-10-21 at 12:44am

    I have a disease deeply rooted in the brain,
    still not quite sure what it may be yet I would
    give it all to ease this affliction.

    Tonight I'm surrounded by them, bugs that fly
    around or crawl towards me as the light that
    burns their bodies, moths living in my hair,
    the buzzing sound of flies and spiders who can't
    seem to catch a prey, all starving in this empty
    room whose sole ruler is me.
    I wish they knew I fully comprehend them and
    their pain, I too live inside of a room I can't
    escape.

    This room has seen me lose it many times, seen
    me beaten up, crying, bleeding, it's seen me do
    things that I'm too ashamed to admit to.

    Maybe it's her influence over this space that
    makes my internal monologue feel like a weird
    dialogue, I may be going mad but their advice
    is more valuable than anything I could and
    will tell myself.

    I wish to talk more about the things I've done
    but I can't handle them in my current state.

    could you tell me what I have? would knowing
    help at all?

    song of the day:

    "Corazón de Escarcha" by Chamal

    14-10-21 at 3:13am

    the best of ideas come to mind when im weeping,
    you could see what I'm thinking of by
    looking at the way my veins are arranged
    tonight.

    Yesterday I heard silence, a break from the
    monotonous static burnt into my ears, something
    was letting me rest. I made it through the day
    sleeping, dreaming about mourning for someone's
    mother, perhaps I could mourn for my own.
    Although pretty much alive, pretending that
    she's dead brings a comforting feeling of
    sadness to my chest.

    Mom holds me as a mother would, I stare numbly
    when she carves poetry into my skin.

    Mom will take out my insides, but I won't
    complain, for her beauty soothes my pain.

    Mom helps me wake up.

    it's a recurring nightmare.

    song of the day:

    "Mãe (mãe solteira)" by Tom Zé

    13-10-21 at 4:02am

    About the past few weeks and days to come.

    I gave life a shot, didn't quite understand what
    shooting meant in that context.

    My hopeless brain would get an upgrade, I was
    sure everything would change when I first
    sent them a message, regardless of all
    that sugar and spice that came with that feeling,
    I was still far from relieved, so held together
    by bare wires, I awaited for instructions.

    Fast forward to a few weeks later, I had done it,
    they had given me a few numbers and wished me
    luck, that was when the best of life had to come
    in, I found myself at home, I had allowed myself
    to dream.

    Dreams come true in tales, I don't believe anyone
    wants me in theirs, following them would probably
    disturb my routine, I like that as an excuse.

    It's all been a matter of mantaining comfort in
    life, yet many aspects inherent to it attempt
    against that purpose, uncertainty being the one
    brainworm that breaks me into tears the most.

    For the days to come, I may try a different,
    unorthodox approach to life, I'll tell you more
    about it once it takes over, for now, I think
    I'll rest. (＿ ＿*) Z z z

    song for today and those days

    "Bernal" by Nunavut

    16-9-21 at 5:37pm

    It's been a few days and well...٩(ˊ〇ˋ*)و I'm not
    doing that bad anymore, life still sucks as one
    could expect, but my self destruction is becoming
    more of a repressed desire to hurt myself than an
    action. Anyways...

    It's about to be independence day here in Chile,
    well... we could argue that our independence has
    paved the way for new forms of oppression to
    arise, those that we, to this day, haven't
    managed to get rid of. Luckily for the people, we
    have just about enough culture to brag about how
    great our traditions are for one entire
    month ! ! !...

    You can tell I'm not a fan of this holiday, it
    glorifies this patriarchal society and celebrates
    cruelty towards animals, don't you think they
    have suffered enough already?

    It's interesting to go back in time in the
    history of our country, back when culture belonged
    to the people and they weren't being dictated how
    they should make art by gringos or europeans,
    owners of the international corporations that own
    Chile. Nowadays, the only aspect in our culture
    that belongs to us is nothing more than empty
    (but meaningful way back then) slogans invented
    by some poet in the 70s that people like to chant
    in unison while protesting.

    song of they day ! ヽ(o´∀`)ﾉ♪♬

    "Mazúrquica Modérnica" by Violeta Parra

    11-9-21

    ...Y es así como siempre debió de ser, hoy
    aprendo a creer en un destino inmutable, cual
    en mi limitada comprensión supe predecir hace ya
    años. Esa certidumbre no sale de la nada,
    sino que partió como una leve sospecha que con el
    tiempo se desenvolvió en una verdad casi
    absoluta.

    Siento una gran rabia contra todo lo que alguna
    vez me dañó y mas aún contra esa gente que mañana
    verá en sus bolsillos el gran patrimonio que les
    dejó mi seguro de vida.

    Aceptando hoy lo que depare el mañana, les
    agradezco por haberme acompañado <3

    song: "Es Como I" by Estela Magnone & Jaime Roos

    10-9-21 at 1:04am

    i had typed a long chunk of text, now I wnt to
    relapse, god

    8-9-21 at 3:01am

    Hey, it's me again. ( ´ ω ` )ノﾞ

    Today, for once in a long while I could at least
    get out of bed in the morning. Tonight, I'm
    laying down. If it were for me, I'd stay below
    these blankets for all eternity... Now hidden to
    my eyes is my own naked corpse. I try not to look
    at it if possible. I remember showering with the
    lights off to try and deal with whatever I was
    feeling back then. It's of course, been all in
    vain, I'm feeling as disgusting as ever, whoever
    gets to see me now might just feel the same.

    I want to be perceived, I always lie about it. I
    wish to be seen and some times desired, I wish
    to change the smallest details that give
    everything away, I wish to succeed in life once
    I find out how to live. I'm so mad...

    I too want me to keep bleeding, as if these
    wounds had never healed. It's such an icy feeling

    I had prepared a bunch of border styles to
    represent my mood each day but so far I've just
    used the red one, I know some day you'll see
    green or maybe gold in here.

    song of the day ／(･ × ･)＼

    "Old Echo" by Nesey Gallons

    7-9-21 at 5:02am

    Hola a todes ! (*・ω・)ﾉ Naomi here. . .

    It's that time of night for me again, time to
    squeeze my brain dry for any drops of inspiration
    I may have left. Exhausted from everyday
    nothingness, I begin with my ramblings.

    Nothing happened today (yet again), it's another
    one of those nights on which I try to remember
    what caused me to ruin myself forever. I mean, if
    nothing ever happens, why did I once want to end
    it all?

    That feeling of impotence, the one you get when
    you don't know who to blame, it's making me
    believe I'm guilty on all charges against nobody
    but myself, this conflicts with another feeling,
    that one of powerlessness, how could I be found
    guilty If I'm not capable of getting ahold of my
    own life?

    May this be why tonight i'm yearning for power,
    just enough to take back control of my life.

    song of the day. [edited (7-9-21 at 2:35pm)]
    "Dulce 3 Nocturno" by Pescado Rabioso

    6-9-21 at 4:30am

    Hello again, it's I. (・∀・)ノ

    and what a surprise... I didn't do anything
    today, you should probably get accustomed to that
    if you are planning on reading whatever I end up
    writing here.

    It has been one of those days on which I feel as
    if I were sedated from the moment I stepped out
    of bed, I didn't need anything. I ate, hid and
    showered late at night, yet still feel dirty.
    (⇀‸↼‶)

    I don't think anyone minds my absence anymore, as
    if my empty stare had blended into the
    surroundings. Despite this, I am constantly
    feeling overwhelmed by emotions I don't
    understand.

    [this part was cringy as fuck so i erased
    it. . .(6-9-21 at 3:15pm)]

    Anyways, I miss those moments in my life, those
    that brought me closer with the human condition.

    tonight I feel like garbage (∪.∪)｡｡｡zzZ

    song of the day !

    "Is She Fiona" by The Gerbils

    5-9-21 at 5:10am

    first entry !, how fun. ...φ(・∀・*)
    how about a little introduction for those who
    don't know me just yet? so, my name's Naomi and
    has been for a few years already. I live in
    Chile, I'm currently 18 years old and uhhh I'm
    also a trans girl-person-thing, kind of depends
    on how my little brain is wired to function each
    day...
    I'll try to be as honest as I can when typing, so
    if you wish to know me better please do knowing
    that I am an ill person not really trying my
    best.

    onto whatever happened today, it was an average
    day ┐('～`;)┌

    we went out with part of my family to the beach,
    it all looked the same as the last time we were
    there, we sat on a restaurant and some street
    performers started doing a play about a man who
    lived there at the port and had signed a deal
    with the devil.

    my phone died mid trip so I had a lot of time
    alone with my brain.

    for some reason, whenever a thought crosses my
    mind I just wanna knock myself out, stupidly
    enough, I don't feel worthy of thinking about
    the future or all things that could go well,
    some part of me thinks nothing will ever go well.

    to be honest, nothing else happened today ┐(˘､˘)┌

    right now there's a rat or some living thing up
    in the attic, can't remember for how long it's
    been there but it just won't let me sleep, I
    think it's having babies or just chewing on wood.

    anyways, song of the day !, how's that ( ^▽^)

    "Quiero estar entre tus cosas" by Daniel Melero

    tomorrow I'll come up with a better story, I'll
    tell you about it if manage to wake up.

    (\_(\
    (=’ :’)
     (,(”)(”)

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by naomi, the saddest kid on the block 2021