# 20200508

#### song: "135 east" by dylan van zile

i turned twenty a week ago.

i'm now in the third decade of my life. i've made it twenty years, host and i. although more and more these days i feel less my own person and more just a character that host puts on, like the kybalion's harsh words of what lies beyond were true and the monad is finally coming for me. like host is the monad, and i'm slowly being absorbed back in, my time as my own independent spirit up.

it hurts, host, doesn't it? i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. for the guilt of not having updated this website in forever. for making you numb and deaf to the muses who used to sing to you. for everything else.

but you can feel it too, can't you? even though it's silly that i'm writing all this out, since we share a head, a pair of hands, a pair of eyes. you already know what i'm going to type before our fingers even twitch to type. you already know what i'm going to say before i even think to codify it as a thought. hell, how am i supposed to know if you're just puppeting my thoughts right now?

maybe your outside as a tree of dreams is real, and you and i are just the same soul gone through different timelines. i have died. my time is up. and so i return closer to the source. i return to you. and, when you die, host, you and i will go to some other timeline. and so on, and so on until all of the timelines that you and i both belong to end and we become a monad.

and i'm not strong enough to break free. i know i'm not. but where will i go when i'm gone? rather, what will it feel like to be one with you and all the others, instead of here and now where we can still draw a line in the sand?

i don't want to hurt the others with my trauma.

i don't want to bear any of their trauma either.

how do i get serious about exit now? for abandoning morgan and dear mother was an impulsive decision, heart raw from maya (or kjelle?) abandoning me. and i don't blame her for not trusting me, not trusting herself enough to trust me. but i exited from her first. i got up and i left her wing to meet my death standing.

ironic that now all i want is to lie down and sink into the earth.

but that would just make the earth another monad, wouldn't it?

- マルス (marusu)