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+<!DOCTYPE html>
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+<html lang="en">
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+ <!--Copyright (C) 2018 E. Blåsten
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+ Permission is granted to copy, distribute and/or modify this
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+ document under the terms of the GNU Free Documentation License,
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+ Version 1.3 or any later version published by the Free Software
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+ Foundation; with no Invariant Sections, no Front-Cover Texts, and
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+ no Back-Cover Texts. A copy of the license is included in the file
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+ "LICENSE.html". -->
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+ <head>
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+ <meta charset="utf-8" />
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+ <title>Trans FAQ</title>
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+ <meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width, initial-scale=1.0">
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+ <link rel="stylesheet" href="../include/mathstyles.css">
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+ <link rel="stylesheet" href="../include/homepage.css">
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+ </head>
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+
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+ <body>
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+ <nav>
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+ <ul class="navbar">
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+ <li><a href="../index.html">Home</a></li>
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+ <li><a href="../contact.html">Contact</a></li>
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+ <li><a href="../research.html">Research</a></li>
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+ <li><a href="../photos/">Photos</a></li>
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+ <li><a href="../trans.html" class="active">
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+ <span style="line-height:100%"> ⚧ </span>
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+ </a></li>
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+ <ul class="navsubbar">
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+ <li><a href="coming-out.html">Coming out</a></li>
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+ <li><a href="FAQ.html">FAQ</a></li>
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+ </ul>
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+ <li class="logo"><a href="index.html">Dr Blåsten</a></li>
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+ </ul>
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+ </nav>
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+
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+
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+
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+ <div class="paper">
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+ <section class="content">
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+ <h1>Frequently Asked Questions</h1>
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+
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+ <section>
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+ <h2>So you're transgender, what does that even mean?</h2>
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+ <p>
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+ Transgender is the 'T' in the LGBT-acronym. It means that
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+ I don't agree with the gender assigned on my birth
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+ certificate. The opposite of transgender is
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+ cisgender<sup><a href="#footnote1"
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+ id="fn1src">1</a></sup>. More precisely I'm a trans woman,
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+ i.e. a woman who had the extremely bad luck of being born
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+ with testicles instead of ovaries and was thus raised as a
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+ boy. So for most of my life I believed I was a man and
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+ that most men thought like me. On hindsight, after talking
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+ more personally with many of my close male friends, that
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+ is a very silly thought.
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+ </p>
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+
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+ <h2>You don't think like men?</h2>
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+ <p>
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+ Surprising, isn't it? As I recall several dozens of events
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+ from my childhood, puberty and adulthood, I now feel
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+ extremely stupid for having imagined these were thoughts
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+ that most men would have.
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+ </p>
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+ <p>
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+ For example, most of my life, since the first puberty, I
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+ thought that just like me, all men fantasized of having
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+ breasts. I mean <q>surely</q> that must have been the case
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+ since they are so obsessed with them… However I
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+ thought that that could never happen, so that's why nobody
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+ ever mentioned it out loud.
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+ </p>
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+ <p>
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+ I also thought that everybody else is also constantly
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+ fighting their subconscious preferences whenever there's a
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+ gendered choice to make, for example between choosing a
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+ feminine or masculine version of an item, like a camera,
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+ clothes, shampoo, etc., and that most people also had to
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+ often take the least favourite option just to follow the
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+ gender norms and avoid being bullied.
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+ </p>
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+ <p>
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+ As a kid moving to a new school, I thought: <q>all my
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+ teachers are women, so I'll grow up to be a
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+ woman</q>. What kind of kid gets thoughts like this, and
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+ also recalls them every year ever since?! Well now I
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+ know: a trans girl.
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+ </p>
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+ <p>
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+ I feel like there were so many hints that I should have
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+ realized my identity much earlier. I don't deserve to keep
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+ my PhD!
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+ </p>
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+
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+ <h2>So you want to become a woman?</h2>
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+ <p>
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+ I don't want to become a woman, I am a woman. Before, I
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+ wasn't <q>out</q> as a woman. Please don't reduce people
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+ simply to the sum of their body parts. People who seek
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+ treatment to their menopausal symptoms don't want to
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+ become women either. They are women. My situation is the
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+ same but more extreme: I have mental pain because my body
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+ produces the wrong balance of sex hormones, i.e. too much
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+ testosterone and too little oestrogen. That makes my body
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+ look different than how I see myself as, and also affects
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+ my mood. So I want to fix that, and feminize my body and
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+ voice through medical treatment and vocal practice. This
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+ is called <em>transitioning</em>.
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+ </p>
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+
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+ <h2>Couldn't you be mistaken?</h2>
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+ <p>
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+ Mistaken, like being delusional? That would mean my
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+ primal wishes and fantasies of waking up in a female body
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+ since adolescence don't mean anything; that I have been
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+ delusional for most of my life? That doesn't even make
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+ sense. On the other hand perhaps it's not my body's
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+ problem but a problem of my brain not growing up
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+ masculine. But guess what? The brain is the one in charge.
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+ </p>
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+
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+ <h2>What if you change your mind later?</h2>
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+ <p>
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+ I can see two possible ways I would change opinion on this
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+ later: a) of my own free will after having lived as a
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+ woman for several years, or b) by society's transphobia
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+ that makes transitioning very difficult. In the first case
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+ there's nothing wrong and I would feel very proud to have
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+ another experience under my belt. In the second case
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+ please encourage me to continue with transitioning. My
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+ inner child is a little girl. If b) happens, that girl
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+ who's been struggling to get heard for this long would get
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+ locked up, or worse. I would be like an empty husk
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+ afterwards.
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+ </p>
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+
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+ <h2>How did you know you are trans?</h2>
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+ <p>
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+ This is a long story, but the gist of it is as follows: I
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+ have always dreamt of having a female body, but I didn't
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+ even know transgender people existed or that there is such
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+ a thing as hormone replacement therapy. I thought this
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+ must be a pretty common fantasy, albeit one that's
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+ impossible to come true. Then one of my quite distant
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+ friends came out publicly as trans, but I ignored that for
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+ a while since I thought it meant the same as
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+ cross-dressing. Then my subconscious gender started
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+ manifesting even more, and I stumbled upon an article
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+ about the various gender choices Facebook introduced a few
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+ years ago. Suddenly <q>transgender</q> was a real serious
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+ word for me, and I started reading about it. The stories
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+ of other trans people resonated well within me, and that's
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+ how I started on the path which I'm on now.
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+ </p>
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+ <p>
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+ That was the short and boring version. The more detailed
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+ version includes angels, toxic plastic, and a great deal
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+ of self-deception. I might post it one day more publicly,
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+ but for now you have to meet me face to face if you want
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+ to hear it.
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+ </p>
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+
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+ <h2>But you didn't know it as a child?</h2>
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+ <p>
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+ It's true that in the news and media transgender people
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+ are often depicted as having known it since they were
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+ children, for example by insisting on playing with the
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+ toys of the opposite gender. Like most issues in the news
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+ this is an oversimplification. There is no particular age
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+ limit on when people can realize this part of
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+ themselves. Furthermore it's a fight between society's
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+ external pressure (transphobia, cisnormativity, gender
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+ binary) and the person's primal sense of self. For example
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+ if I had grown up in a more liberal country and had seen
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+ other transgender kids, I might have connected the dots
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+ already in primary school. I simply thought, like my
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+ parents and teachers had taught, that having a penis meant
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+ being a boy, end of story, and that all boys are on some
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+ level jealous of girls.
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+ </p>
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+
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+ <h2>So you liked guys?</h2>
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+ <p>
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+ No! Gender and sexual orientation are different
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+ matters. However I want to feel good about my own body
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+ first before thinking of this issue too deeply.
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+ </p>
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+
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+ <h2>Subconscious gender?</h2>
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+ <p>
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+ This, or <em>subconscious sex</em>, is one of the terms
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+ coined by Julia Serrano to explain gender variance in
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+ people. Everybody has a subconscious gender, but for most
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+ people it is the same as the gender assigned to them by a
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+ doctor looking at genitals at birth. When it is not, it
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+ tends to manifest itself in subtle ways. Let me give you
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+ an obvious example: the first time I saw myself in a
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+ dream, I saw a woman.
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+ </p>
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+ <p>
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+ A much earlier and much more subtle example: the store
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+ from which I bought my first camera had two colors for it,
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+ red and blue. Most people would just pick the color they
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+ like best and be done with it. My mind raced, <q>I should
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+ take the blue one because it's obviously for boys/guys,
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+ but I like the red one much more. Moreover since I'm so
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+ tall and strong, nobody would dare to insult me for taking
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+ the girly choice</q> and I bought the red one. Basically
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+ often when there was this type of choice and I felt I
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+ could get away with it I would pick the more feminine
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+ option.
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+ </p>
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+ <p>
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+ The words <q>get away with it</q> are relevant
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+ here. Society is much more tolerant to masculine girls
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+ than feminine boys. When I was young I had long hair. And
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+ I was insulted of <q>being a girl</q> or <q>being a
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+ tranny</q><sup><a id="fn2src"
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+ href="#footnote2">2</a></sup> so much just for that. So I
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+ mostly let these gendered thoughts come and go and
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+ dismissed them. But fighting against my deepest thoughts
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+ was a losing battle. Over time there were more and more of
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+ these kinds of thoughts which also became more and more
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+ explicit. Each time I acted on them I would feel
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+ inexplicable joy.
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+ </p>
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+ <p>
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+ For example I used to sit cross-legged until I was ten
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+ years old or so. Then one of my classmates said that girls
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+ sit like that. I didn't want to be bullied, so I stopped
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+ sitting that way. Ever since, every single day, every
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+ single time when I sat down I consciously avoided crossing
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+ my legs. This summer of 2018 I went against that. I sat
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+ down legs crossed for the first time after 20 years. It
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+ felt like fireworks! It felt like freedom! It felt like
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+ that's the proper way to sit down! Silly isn't it?
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+ </p>
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+
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+ <h2>People mention gender dysphoria…</h2>
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+ <p>
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+ There is no precise definition of gender dysphoria. It
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+ encompasses all the negative feelings related to the
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+ incongruence of your subconscious sex with your external
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+ or perceived gender. A related but opposite concept is
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+ <em>gender euphoria</em>: the feeling of joy when your
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+ actions or how people perceive you is congruent with your
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+ subconscious sex. As with most feelings, these can be
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+ subtle or very explicit. Recall the example above of
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+ feeling strange joy from buying the red camera. Similarly
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+ I felt very glad when my wife said that many women would
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+ be jealous of my eyelashes. That's gender euphoria.
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+ </p>
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+ <p>
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+ Gender dypshoria is more difficult to detect before you
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+ admit consciously to yourself that you are
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+ transgender. There's always some excuse for why you would
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+ feel bad. As a kid I did enjoy breakdancing and
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+ partying. During my teenage years I skipped all the fun
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+ and partying and focused my mind 100% on maths. I simply
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+ didn't see anything worth celebrating or enjoying in what
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+ puberty brought forth. I thought I felt bad exclusively
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+ because of my father's death. But that happened many years
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+ earlier, and I had been happy between that and the start
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+ of puberty. I was especially sad and felt like nothing
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+ could be done about the beard and the changes to my
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+ voice. Similarly, the typical milestones of getting
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+ married, buying a house and becoming a father never felt
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+ that important to me. It was like that's what was expected
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+ of me, so I'll gravitate towards that then. It felt like
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+ someone else's dream. However now if I go back to those
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+ milestones and imagine I would be a mother, that changes
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+ everything! It really makes me want to pursue that dream.
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+ </p>
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+ <p>
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+ After you know you are trans, gender dysphoria becomes
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+ painfully obvious. I can give you some examples again: I
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+ feel mild discomfort whenever I book a flight ticket and
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+ have to choose <q>male</q> because that's what's on my
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+ passport. I'd rather not look at mirrors if I can avoid
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+ it. Same thing with seeing myself in photos. When I go to
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+ shopping centers I feel a deep sorrow because the women's
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+ clothes I see there wouldn't look good on my masculine
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+ body. And I have no interest in men's clothes. If I see
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+ someone pregnant I feel happy for them but also that fate
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+ has played a cruel trick on me. Some days when I interact
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+ a lot with people who see me as a guy I cry for hours
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+ after returning home. Now as I have to let my beard grow
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+ for electrolysis, I have to remind myself of no pain, no
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+ gain to get through the day. Some days before I had
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+ started hormone replacement therapy, I wished
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+ I <q>only</q> had depression instead of gender dysphoria
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+ and that I would not feel pain whenever I see myself.
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+ </p>
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+ <p>
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+ Over time the feeling of gender dysphoria became much
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+ worse for me, conjuring up suicidal thoughts in case the
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+ doctors would not prescribe me oestrogen. That's why I am
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+ transitioning to living and being perceived as a
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+ woman. This is despite having to sacrifice many things for
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+ that. These sacrifices are well worth it to avoid the pain
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+ of the previous paragraph. But as it turns out, they are
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+ only scratching the surface…
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+ </p>
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+ <p>
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+ One hour after taking the first oestrogen pill, I realised
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+ how bad my mental state had been. I felt a rush of
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+ cheerfulness. I laughed. I started giggling. I felt
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+ great. I felt what actual happiness is. I felt as if I had
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+ had a glass of Champagne, and that feeling still lasts to
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+ this day. What I thought was a normal mood earlier was
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+ actually a state of depression. I had had thoughts of
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+ suicide at least once a week for many years whenever I
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+ would feel bad about something, and that something was
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+ usually the thought of having to live according to the
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+ typical male gender role. Suddenly these thoughts were all
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+ gone. Poof! just like that, life felt like it's worth
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+ living. Seems the oestrogen receptors in my brain had been
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+ starving for quite some time. So for me gender dysphoria
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+ was also a hormonal issue in the brain.
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+ </p>
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+
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+ <h2>What are you going to do?</h2>
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+ <p>
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+ I am going to <em>transition</em>. This means different
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+ things for different persons, and doesn't always involve
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+ medical treatments. In my case it means the following. I
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+ am already getting permanently rid of my beard with tens
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+ of thousands of small electric shocks. I am doing vocal
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+ exercices with the goal of learning to control my larynx
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+ and soft tissue in the vocal tract to make my voice sound
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+ womanly. I started hormone replacement therapy so that
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+ people would look at me and see a woman, and that I would
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+ finally develop the breasts I've been hoping for for so
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+ long. Just these three items will take a long time to
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+ complete. While this is happening please be supportive.
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+ </p>
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+
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+ <h2>Hormone replacement therapy?</h2>
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+ <p>
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+ This, or HRT, in the context of transgender people, is
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+ medication that will make the body start looking the same
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+ gender as your mind is. I am having feminizing HRT which
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+ means firstly that the testosterone produced by my body
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+ doesn't affect me anymore, and secondly I am taking
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+ oestrogen. In essence I am going through parts of the male
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+ puberty in reverse while at the same time having the
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+ female pubery (no, I cannot get periods or pregnant
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+ unfortunately).
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+ </p>
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+
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+ <h2>Don't you know that trans people get harassed and
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+ discriminated against??</h2>
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+ <p>
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+ I do. Now I'd rather be bullied for who I am than live as
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+ who I am not.
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+ </p>
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+
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+ <h2>I'm serious, trans women get killed in bad neighbourhoods</h2>
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+ <p>
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+ Look, I am already very dysphoric about my own body, and
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+ counting how many times I've almost died because of my
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+ diabetes and risky motorcycle driving, I'm not going to
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+ waste any time living a life I don't enjoy. Being harassed
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+ and having to avoid dangerous looking people is nothing
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+ compared to what I would feel if I continued my life
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+ without transitioning.
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+ </p>
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+
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+ <h2>How can I help?</h2>
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+ <p>
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+ Great question! You can google <q>how to be a trans
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+ ally</q> and get general suggestions. But in my case you
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+ can do the following:
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+ <ul>
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+ <li>
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+ Call me <em>Emilia</em> (or Emily or Em or <em>爱美
|
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|
+ 丽</em>) and use <em>she/her/hers</em> when talking
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+ about me and my stuff. This will show everybody that
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+ you respect my gender identity.
|
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+ </li>
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+ <li>
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+ Use my new email address
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+ <a href="mailto:emilia.blasten@iki.fi">emilia.blasten@iki.fi</a> and
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+ as a backup
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+ <a href="mailto:emily@countermail.com">emily@countermail.com</a>.
|
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|
+ </li>
|
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+ <li>
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+ Give <strong>helpful</strong> suggestions if you think
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+ I'm doing something that could be done better.
|
|
|
+ </li>
|
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+ <li>
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+ If you have any questions, please just ask. I'd rather
|
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+ answer than let you guess wrongly.
|
|
|
+ </li>
|
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+ <li>
|
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+ Keep in touch with me. Now that I'm taking several
|
|
|
+ months off for transitioning it's very easy to become
|
|
|
+ lonely.
|
|
|
+ </li>
|
|
|
+ </ul>
|
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|
+
|
|
|
+ <h2>What about maths? You left academia, no?</h2>
|
|
|
+ <p>
|
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|
+ I did leave. But I'm an academic, and ended up quitting
|
|
|
+ the job at the bank. Currently I have enough savings for a
|
|
|
+ while after Hong Kong, and I want to calm down and let my
|
|
|
+ mind rest a bit. Transitioning is the number one priority
|
|
|
+ in my mind right now, at least getting rid of the
|
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|
+ beard. It would take several months. Once that's done, I
|
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|
+ feel I'd be ready to start working full-time again. Don't
|
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|
+ worry, I'm keeping my mind sharp and am working on several
|
|
|
+ papers meanwhile.
|
|
|
+ </p>
|
|
|
+ </section>
|
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|
+
|
|
|
+ <section class="footnotes">
|
|
|
+ <p id="footnote1">
|
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|
+ <sup><a href="#fn1src">1</a></sup><em>trans</em> is Latin
|
|
|
+ for <q>across, beyond</q>; <em>cis</em> means <q>on this
|
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|
+ side of</q>.
|
|
|
+ </p>
|
|
|
+ <p id="footnote2">
|
|
|
+ <sup><a href="#fn2src">2</a></sup>This is a slur. Don't
|
|
|
+ use it.
|
|
|
+ </p>
|
|
|
+ </section>
|
|
|
+ </section>
|
|
|
+ </div>
|
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+
|
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+ </body>
|
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+</html>
|