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  13. <h1>my innermost, darkest thoughts</h1>
  14. <h3>5/11/20</h3>
  15. <p>im carrying out my plan in 4 years, i dont feel bad for all of the children and families i'll hurt, its deserved. Of course, i don't expect anyone to understand why i would do this, im fairly young and have a long life ahead of me, but that doesn't matter anymore, i'll be dead by senior year. i already know what their going to say, their going to call me just another "copycat" but just know this, im <em>so</em> much more than that.</p>
  16. <h3>5/12/20</h3> <p>i gave up trying to fit in, theres really no point, their all brainwashed zombies who can't think for themselves, and im sick of it. they'll never understand what it feels like to be like this, i understand more then they ever will. No one will ever understand the extent of what i feel. They'll understand im not like them soon, but either way i wont be at peace, i'll never be at peace, i don't belong here. maybe when im dead i'll finally belong. I remember when this all started, 2 years ago, it was stemmed severely to my trauma, ocd, depression, and anxiety, now it's different. I feel numb in a way, i don't feel any remorse or guilt, my depression is getting worse, but when i think about how i'll finally be at peace in the end, it makes me feel a bit better.</p>
  17. <h3>5/13/20</h3> <p>i hate that my brain does this to me, it makes me have these terrible, terrible thoughts, and i get addicted to the powerful feeling i get when i think about doing those things, which makes me want to do it, it makes me obsess over it, to the point where i don't want to be around other people. and then, the feeling just gets taken away from me, i hate it. this time, the feeling is leaving again but i still want to do those terrible things. so, what now? what do i do? i mean, i know what im going to do, im going to continue obsessing over it until the feeling starts to come back, thats what i always do. but this time it's different, this time i know im actually going to do it. and that scares me in a way, but mostly, it calms me. it's calming to know that eventually i'll get what i've been longing for this whole time, it calms me to know that in 4 years, it'll be all over. finally, eternal peace.</p>
  18. <p>i feel it growing stronger each day, it started off a pure pain and sadness, but now it rage, a growing rage that only gets added onto everyday. a rage towards everything, other people, braindead people who think they know everything, they don't know shit. they never will.
  19. <p>FUCK. they don't love me. when i was 6 or 7 years old my mom used to get mad at me and she would grab me by the arm, dig her nails into my skin until the skin would break, and tackle me onto the ground and pull my hair. she would do stuff like this up until like 2 years ago. and whenever i would tell my dad she would get so mad at me and say "don't EVER run to your father and tell him something like that again." i thought that was normal. fuck. FUCK. why do i care now? i shouldn't. it should be the least of my worries. i brought it up to her a few months ago and she denied it saying i was "lying", REALLY?! FUCKING LYING??! she'll know what she did soon, i'll show them all.</p>
  20. <h3>5/14/20</h3> <p>i don't know whats going on. at first, thinking about shooting them all gave me pure happiness, a sense of euphoria, but now i feel anger, and hurt, mostly hurt. i still want to do it, but my brain doesn't give me joy when i think about it. even though i very much want to do it, i just don't get the same feeling. i miss it. oh well, i can't control it. i've always been different, i just feel like i don't belong, i feel as if my brain isn't developed enough to process these intense thoughts and feelings, maybe thats why it's so hard for me. im not sure... im really not sure.</p>
  21. <p>no matter how hard it gets, i can't kill myself until it's complete, NBK 2.0 that is... they'll all see.. that it's not just some sick fantasy.. it's real, and happening very very soon.</p>
  22. <h3>5/18/20</h3> <p>i hate this. i haven't gotten the feeling ever since i went on that bike ride the other night at my dad's house. right now i don't want to kill myself or others, that seems like it would be a good thing, right? wrong. like i said previously, i thrive off of pain, bad thoughts, depression, anxiety, ocd compulsions, not knowing what's going on in my own head and having no way to stop it. it gives me a sense of belonging. i feel like nothing without it. this further proves my point, that without it, i'll never be happy, and with it, im not happy in the way that other people perceive "happiness", but to me, it's happiness. the feeling i get when i feel that way, the feeling i get when i think about harming others and then, in turn, myself. the feeling i get, knowing that i'm far more mentally aware than others, and knowing what im capable of. THE FEELING IS HEAVEN. WITHOUT IT IM NOTHING IM NOTHING IM NOTHING.</p>
  23. <h3>5/21/20</h3> <p>i feel sick. i just went through my camera roll and rewatched some columbine edits and my heart dropped to my stomach. i'm not sure why but it gives me such a weird feeling. it's almost a sadness, actually yes, it is a sadness, but it was hard to recognize, i didn't just feel sadness. it was kind of like fear. update: it's a couple minutes later, i watched the videos again and it felt like i couldn't breath, i started hyperventilating and crying uncontrollably. i think i know why. it's because im forcing myself to want to do it and it's stressing me out/scaring me, and i get upset when i think about it. i'm <em>nothing</em> without those feelings, when i don't have the feeling i get really depressed because that's all i have to live for. so now i think, if there's nothing for me to live for anymore then why don't i just do it?? why don't i just go through with NBK 2.0 and shoot them all and then myself?? since that's what i want. another update: the feeling is partially back and i have decided i'm going to go through with my plan. </p>
  24. <h3>5/22/2020</h3> <p> it hurts me SO BAD that he's not here. i love him. i have NEVER loved ANYONE to this extent. i may sound stupid (especially because i have never met him) but i understand him. i've never felt such an extreme connection to someone before. i've read his journal, and i genuinely understand where he's coming from. i really wish he was here, even if he wasn't with me. GOD. i love him with my whole heart. i'll see him and eric in the after life. after i carry out my plan for them. i hope i make them proud. FUCK FUCK FUCK. why is this so hard?? WHY DID HE HAVE TO DIE?? I LOVE HIM AND HE'S DEAD. dylan is the only person i'll ever be able to love.</p>
  25. <h3>5/23/20</h3> <p>(these are entries i wrote on my phone all throughout yesterday, i thought i would put them in here because yesterday wasn't the best day)</p> <p>my therapist and my mom don't understand ANYTHING i'm going through. i obviously can't tell them what i'm planning.</p> <p>my mom understands more than ***** (my therapist) though, i explained to her everything (well, some) of what's going on. i still don't think she understands, i don't fit. i never have. i never will. this session today just made me want to do it even more. i can't wait til NBK 2.0. i just want my life to be over and i want peace. ***** and my mom say i have empathy. HAH really?! i don't feel shit for all of the kids and family's im going to hurt. i laugh when i watch the columbine clips of the little kid yelling "mom!" right before he gets shot. fuck empathy. they say i "love" animals. little do they know.. i can't go into detail but i've done some sick things. but thats the least of my priorities. i want NBK to happen and i want it to be fun. and it will be. i know it.</p> <p>(this is me writing to my family and others, assuming they are reading this after my death) there are no reasons, you're going to look for them but you wont find them. i had no motive. i'm not sorry. you can't fix someone who has nothing wrong with them. there's nothing wrong with me. you may think otherwise, but i'm not like the other sick fucks who go out and rape and murder and do whatever they will because they can't control themselves because they're weak. i could've controlled this had i wanted to. but i don't want to. well didn't, past tense since you're reading this which would mean i'm dead now, which me and you both know has happened.</p> <p>i don't fit here. i've never. admitting isn't fixing so then what is it worth? im tired. i want to see him. wherever i go i hope he's there. i'm so hurt and confused. i forget what genuine happiness feels like, i can't complain though, that's my fault. i've always fucked myself over. i'm sick of this. pretending im normal. fuck. i want to die so bad.</p> <p> he deserved love. no. he deserved everything. i would've given it to him. i would've given it all to him. i love him. he deserved so much love, he was full of love to give but couldn't give it. i would do anything to give him love. to give him something. anything. </p>
  26. <p> (this isn't a previously written entry, this one isn't from my notes.) i now know im going to do it. nothing is holding me back. absolutely nothing. my mom is just a stupid bitch. she only cares about herself, she claims she "loves" me and "cares" about me. HAHAHA REALLY?!? all she wants to do is fuck me up more in the head. you know what, i hope she's in pain when im dead. fuck her. fuck all of this. fuck it, my plan might be even earlier than previously stated. whenever i get the chance.. my motive is none. i have no reasoning except for pented up aggression and sadness. and before any of you come up with some bullshit reasoning when there isn't one like "oh, it's because she watched true crime shows!" or "it's because she listened to violent music." shut the fuck up. it has NOTHING to do with either of those things. and if you think so, you're an absoulute fucking idiot.</p>
  27. <h3>5/24/20</h3> <p>i've decided what i want. i'll finally be at peace. i've never been this happy.</p>
  28. <h3>5/26/20</h3> <p>everything is so fucking empty. i don't want to be here. obviously i don't belong here. where is my home???</p> <p> i can't cry anymore. i physically cannot. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW BADLY I NEED TO CRY. I'M BROKEN. I HAVE TO SIT HERE IN MY OWN PAIN. FUCKFUCKFUCK. this power i feel. before i never felt power. but now, now i am g o d. I'M GOD. compared to any of you. </p>
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