# “Princess Nom Nom” Review

2017 – 04 – 22 with ♥ from Froge
Synopsis

Release date: 2015 – 07 – 16.
Developers: Armel Gibson, Dziff
Licence: Copywrong’d.
Download: https://armelgibson.itch.io/princess-nom-nom

Verdict: 2/5 stars. Not just because of the unfortunate implications, but because it’s a functional clone with a decent visual design.

## Introduction

I was poring over Roger Ebert the other day, as one visits a shrine, and found “Roger Ebert’s Twenty Best Reviews” as published by the same site which has as a headline ”Is Snapchat’s CEO Awful Enough To Have Said This Awful Thing?“. Good to see the Gawker empire has finally risen to the level of The Sun. The Ebert article has, as its second sentence, “He was also what some have called ‘a stealth feminist’, though perhaps he was less stealth than he appeared,” and does not ever elaborate on that claim. It’s a bit of an abrupt topic change, which is why I’ll be voting for the NDP in the next election and fully support the annexation of Palestine.

I bring Ebert up because for all he says that video games can’t be art, I wonder how he would react to this absolute masterpiece, “Princess Nom Nom,” a game… look, just read the title. Much in the same way that Gawker Media focus – tests their posts to appeal to as many sensationalist desires and immature subcultures as they can, aligning their articles to blatantly pander to one point of view for the sake of earning ad revenue from the retention of those groups who have such little self – respect they willingly consume garbage so long as it makes them feel like they’re being informed on “big issues” such as what the Snapchat CEO may not have even said at all, this game bleeds focus – tested cute, like what you would find on Tumblr, and so isn’t cute.

Let’s look at the box blurb. “Pop a minion and order him to steal some food nearby. Then order him to get some more. Pop a new minion. Pop a fuckton of minions. Get a fuckton of food???”. Oh, baby. That wombo – combo of coy self – doubt and casual swearing. Also, “Copyright to the original team of Delphine Fourneau, Matthieu Richez, Thomas Pattou & Armel Gibson. This item is not authorized for posting on Steam, Google Play, iOS App Store, or any other store, except by the persons specified above. You are not authorized to edit any of the source files. Stop cloning our game damn it,” and they left out a period here.

Hmm, yes, very good, very reasonable, not at all selfish, blather blather blah. This doesn’t affect my review, but it just makes me think of you as awful human beings with a frankly daft view of the arts and an ignorance of the infinite sharability of the digital age, who at the same time wants to be seen as innocent, cute, and cuddly (including one development credit listed as “~whatever~”), use the blunt arm of the law to limit expression and to censor use of your product that you don’t agree with, even though if people are copying your work it spreads the ideas you created and reaffirms your reputation as somebody who deserves to be copied. I was going to be facetious here. I don’t think you deserve that wit.

## Diplomatically inspired by…

What leg do you have to stand on when you, who are against copying, followed the same formula as adopted by a thousand Cookie Clicker clones? This is that, only slightly less disturbing and with a lot less stuff in it. You probably know how these games work out. You make numbers go up so you can make numbers go up faster. What would a game like this be if it had a story? I haven’t seen one, but I’d like to, because the gameplay would be mindless. Actually, I heard “Hit the Motherlode” is like that. The developer is a scalie. I’m not even joking; read their website. They also need to pay $200 for the Linux port, because Game Maker is crippleware. The wonders of proprietary software.

It’s not a bad game, but not amazing. It’s hard to mess up a formula like this, unless you show a complete lack of effort in its creation, which this one doesn’t. The graphics are fine in that 2010 Armor Games way, but the characters aren’t going to win any awards for design, as they’re all vaguely bird – like pastel blobs. On the upside, they’re all consistent, with a big and blocky GUI that doesn’t pose any problems. It’s well – constructed, is what it is. Where’s the game? I just told you, it’s a clicker.

It’s also about a half – hour long, though it’s at least engaging while it lasts. It’s utterly formulaic, but it’s one of the good formulas, one that the game doesn’t mess up and doesn’t try to be clever with. It follows the rules of clickers. It doesn’t innovate, but it follows the rules. Thought experiment: is it better to fail with ambition, or to succeed at being average? In the first thought, we get a bad product, but with room for the developer to grow. In the second, we get an okay product, but we do not admire the developers for it. Myself, I would much rather have an ambitious game that turns out amazing. That never happens, but a man can dream.

## Conclusion

I didn’t even talk about the setting. It doesn’t matter, but I laughed out loud when I heard the sound effects. They sound like the developers half – heartedly yelled jolly things with the worst microphone in the building, only to add in depth effects with Audacity. The wonders of indie games… Also, please ignore the white blobs coming out of the suspicious X – shaped hole in front of the queen. It’s a belly button. Honest.

Playing these games, so innocent, so fresh, so clean, reminds me of the cynical parts of me which expect this to be an edgy subversion, where the princess is Jesus and the white eggs are the Sodomites, or however that poorly – written rag goes. No such luck. I then ask what this game has that makes it stand out. No, please, no need to answer. I don’t want to hear about her force – feeding fetish with her incestuous oviposited brood.

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