# Dunkey’s Garbage: Part 4

2016 – 07 – 24 with ♥ from Froge

## Introduction

Perhaps gaming is just the ultimate act of hedonism, where the systems of the real world are too complex for us to handle, and so we find enjoyment out of these systems in miniature to get good at and exploit for our amusement. One sees the mechanics of a game and bends it to their will, where the mechanics of reality are too ill – defined and unfair for us to see any correlation between risk and reward. Indeed, one with experience in gaming can see parallels between the systems, where one optimises for the best result in everything they do. The irony comes in that, while gaming is too often seen as an escapist fantasy, one can hardly appreciate reality until they see the escapist’s version.

Video games are just über – complicated programs, at their heart, an amalgamation of all sorts of different elements and rules that create a simulation of some interest… the fascinating thing is not their existence, but that they are so popular that there is a multi – billion dollar industry devoted exclusively to creating these types of programs, and even that for specific types of computers. One looks at the PC and sees it as a platform that can do anything — anything! — and yet decides to go instead to something like the PlayStation 4 or the XBOXONEX, an inferior system by all metrics. Why? Because they remain inexplicably popular, perhaps out of desire this “amusement”, and other emotions I no longer feel.

Imagine spending significant amounts of money on a games console whose sole purpose is to play video games, when developers just as well have the wonders of the PC to play around with, and with so much more freedom at that. One might spend $1000 on a console and all the games and accessories during its lifetime, or spend the same amount on a PC that will serve you will in everything you do for many years. Imagine having an audience who actually appreciates games, as opposed to seeing them as mindless stimulation — hahaha, alright, you got me there. But in terms of pragmatism, why would one ever develop for an inferior system? Indeed, why would one pay for this system?

It seems developers and gamers have something in common, in that they just aren’t very smart people. But don’t tell them that. They will be pissed!

## Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2

I’m not allowed to make fun of Call of Duty because the Internet has already done it for me. Making fun of Call of Duty is as old as Call of Duty itself. The same for making fun of those who talk about it, those who play it, those who give it high scores on the Certified Review Sites, and those who have any contact whatsoever with the game. And yet it remains popular. Is it because it really is a stunning example of what video games can do when they break their constraints and — you know what, I’ll just stop talking. Having heard from this horse’s ass that it might actually be a decent game, I tried to install it on my PC, before learning it needed more space than your mom on the metro in order to run. I can’t make fun of that, because making fun of Call of Duty’s bad programming is as old as your mom. Boy, this series sucks.

## Portal

I was a real ponce when this came out. I remember playing it like an Official Reviewer® when I was thirteen, juggling in my head the arbitrary score that I was going to give it as I whipped and whooshed through the levels. I heard of it beforehand because, as has been posited, there is a certain confection whose truth value is on the wrong end of the binary scale, though it took some kid at summer camp to tell me that it’s something worth playing, and there was a certain triumph resulting in large amounts of success. I remember crying at the end and thinking, “holy gee golly that cake sure wasn’t a lie after all”, and suggesting I would give this game a perfect ten out of ten, not that it bloody mattered. It’s funny, actually, how many games companies owe their success to one single lucky break, and then coasting on it for as long as possible as their franchises atrophy, their companies become husks of their original visions, and they exist for the sole purpose of addicting and cynically sucking up as much money from their underaged users as possible. Not naming any names, Valve. Cunts. Valve. Blizzard. EA. Valve. Everyone else.

## Paper Mario

Hello, nostalgia blindness. Probably the first RPG I’ve ever played, this game tells the epic story of some bint getting kidnapped and her bitch dragging her out of sky. Oh, that silly moo, being a completely worthless and creatively – null character! I’m only glad Nintendo improved things for the sequel, telling the dramatic tale of — I already made one up for Undertale 2, so read the last paragraph of the last article. You can only really rate a game like this based on its gameplay and worlds. In the first place, you whack the enemy a bunch of times until they fall over before they do the same to you. In the second place, boy howdy, it’s something brilliant. The crudely – drawn paper designs are as soft and kind as an elderly hooker, with the sprites being compressed to the point where not even 4K resolution can make it look any more crisp than the design on a piece of toilet paper. You visit a whole bunch of unique worlds, like the snowcapped palace where a bunch of penguins live, a flowering field full of plants just looking for a fresh drink, and the great star village in the sky where all the star children be chilling. Yeah, it’s one of those RPGs where everything is obviously manufactured to be as “Nintendo” as possible. But looking at the colour and imagination of the worlds within, I still think it does even better than both the creatively – neutered Thousand Year Door, and the too – hecking – out – there Super Paper Mario. It’s got that just – right level of cleverness and charm, and that’s what made the series great.

## Shovel Knight

I hit up the Shovel Knight team handing out some codes for my indie game, told them I got it off the Pirate Bay, and got this in response: “Thank you for being honest, and thanks for the code!” Unfortunately the girl who replied to my e – mail is a scumbag, because I looked at that download bar for a straight week, and I didn’t see any of those codes downloaded. Probably because I charged forty bucks for the thing, lol. I learned a few valuable lessons: one, you’re nobody until somebody prostitutes you, and I didn’t have any pimps to make me popular. Two, nobody cares about the effort you put into a title, because all that matters to the unfeeling populace is if it fits a few particular molds of what is typically considered a good game. Three, it helps to have have music. Four, have better graphics that what you can make out of a week of pixel art experience. Five, playing to your strengths is all well and good (I was told that “I sure as fuck wasn’t as articulate as you at that age”, because I was thirteen you see), but you just gotta be a jack of all trades if you want to make in this world, and also get really fucking lucky. I bring it up because I’m jealous of Shovel Knight for having such success in this horrible industry, which has nothing to do whatsoever with it being so damn good. Can a game really make it big off of gameplay nowadays? I just don’t get it.

## Sonic the Hedgehog 3

I need me a hype man like Dunkey. This game was praised as such, and I quote: “…and if you don’t think this is the best game ever made, then you the worst guy ever made”. Damn, he got me. Unfortunately I can hardly decide just what is the best game ever made, because there has yet to be a game that I can call “perfect” with no qualifications. My top three would probably be Saints Row 2, Deus Ex, and Bioshock, all of which for having that just – right balance of a great story, great challenge, and great fun to screw around in (I am forced to disqualify LISA because I have not played enough of it, you see). The first one has gameplay where there’s always a party somewhere, and if there isn’t you can paint a SWAT van yellow, give it green spiked rims, and turbo – charge through oncoming traffic with three buddies as you call yourself The Dong Squad. The second one is where you find yourself getting more and more cartoonishly overpowered even as you are forced to sneak through everything lest you get instantly killed by a sniper on the other side of the map, which makes it even more satisfying as you get close enough to cap in him the head. And then Bioshock is just a solid FPS with a whole lot of philosophy, kind of like Deus Ex, but not Saints Row, obviously. I have gotten to the point in my career where the only perfect game I could possibly come up with is the one that I make myself, and I pray that I don’t die before that happens.

## Super Mario 64

See Super Mario Sunshine and the arbitrary padding bollocks. I remember buying this game when I was thirteen from the Virtual Console, which is just propaganda for buying the same game you already owned except three more times, because “free software” to Nintendo is a synonym for “your mother is a whore and your father rapes kids”. Anybody who has followed the speedrun scene knows that this game is more competitive than the line – up for Nintendo’s mother, and I have no idea why that is. Perhaps it’s just nostalgia bait, where being able to beat this game in under two hours is a sign that there isn’t much else going on in your life aside from this. I’ve toyed with the idea of speedrunning before, but then the firmly – entrenched hierarchy of speedrunning where everybody knows everybody else by name and you have to suck up to the right people to get noticed and post in the forums all the time, is one which is similar to that of the Early Web and overall scares the dickens out of me. Also, I don’t want to get put on the GladJonas cringe compilation. I wonder if mystery games count as speedrunning?

## Warcraft III

In another episode of Lucky Breaks in Gaming History, the notoriously unknown developer Eul created the original Defense of the Ancients Warcraft III map, and went on to become nobody in particular besides having an item named after him in DOTA 2. Not to be confused with a similar episode where Valve gets popular mods made for their own games, buys out the development teams, and then rides on their success into the sun forever and ever, because originality is just something you can pay off. Remember paid mods? Guess what, dumb shit, they’re back! Yep, sure is nice of an company such as Bethesda to have release broken and unfinished games only to outsource the work to that special sort of user to fix the problems which in any other industry would have them laughed into bankruptcy and sued for incompetency. The wonders of slavish fanboyism. The wonders of the Cult.

## Super Mario Bros 2

Why does Mario’s leg look like his dick on the box art?

## Undertale

I like to talk about my “litmus test” games a lot. These are the games where, if you praise them, you’re a dumbass and deserve to get laughed and pointed at like the good – old wholesome fun of military hazing. These games include Undertale, Earthbound, Final Fantasy (just pick one), Psychonauts, and that Homestuck game which is never coming out, because Andrew Hussie runs a business as well as a neutered cat runs a sperm bank. These are the games that are all spectacle and no depth, where whatever story there is comes from emotional manipulation as opposed to the well – earned depth and complexity of a story well – told. The mechanics are either bog – standard or too clever for their own good, and because of this blind an ignorant audience with lots of flash, but nothing that you work your way up to getting good at. Not to mention, they are just plain unfunny. Especially so in the case of Undertale, which is so desperately trying to be “hip” that it doesn’t understand that its quirky anime references were tired and dated even by the time of its release. If you think Undertale is one of the best games ever made, then you one of the worst guys ever made.

## Conclusion

Damn, Dunkey.

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